Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 08/26/13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I break down each segment and match of RAW. Tonight we are live from Phoenix, AZ and we have Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and Princess Fucktard JBL on commentary. Sorry but the gloves are off with me tonight. I’m not in a good mood and I’m sure the review will be full of mean and snarky ass comments. So here’s your disclaimer: foul language ahead so don’t whine about not being warned and we won’t have a problem. We will see fallout from Randy Orton being the new champion.

The Shield are standing guard in front of the ring. Triple H’s music hits and here comes the Chief Operating Officer, Triple H. He gets on the microphone and he reminds us of what happened at SummerSlam between him, Daniel Bryan, and Randy Orton. Trips says it was just business and nothing personal. He reminds us of the ending of RAW last week. He admits that RKO out of nowhere was personal because Daniel Bryan insulted his family. Trips says that he is willing to put business first, Trips says that the ratings were up last week. He brings out the new WWE champion, Randy Orton.

Orton leisurely strolls to the ring. Once inside the ring, he holds up his title proudly. Triple H congratulations on breathing new life in the WWE. Triple H rewards Orton with a brand new Cadillac Escalade. Orton seems shocked and happy. Orton says thank you (now he will pretty much have to put out) for the generous gift. He thanks Triple H for making him the face of the WWE and champion. Before Orton can check out his new ride, here comes Daniel Bryan. He acknowledges that the new vehicle is better than his Honda. He thanks the WWE universe for believing in him even though he isn’t the biggest or the prettiest. He goes on to thank John Cena for giving him the opportunity to be his opponent at SummerSlam. He finally thanks Triple H for screwing him over. He compares his actions to Vince McMahon. Orton tells him to show respect to him and Triple H. They have a heated exchange and DB says he wants his rematch at Night of Champions. He says that he will rearrange Orton’s face and Triple H’s visions for the company for he will become WWE champion. Triple H makes fun of him and calls him Jiminy Cricket and starts singing to Daniel Bryan. Sorry but that was funny as fuck. He says that DB is a B player at best. He makes a gauntlet match for Daniel Bryan to face the Shield. Once he survives Rollins, then he will face Ambrose and then Roman Reigns. Orton taunts him with the belt.

Cody Rhodes vs. Fandango—Damien Sandow is on commentary. The match starts off with a lockup and Cody takes down Fandango. Fandumbo gets up and fights back. Cody suplexes him and Fandango kicks him in the head. Fandango’s music hits and here comes the Miz and Rosa Mendez to spoof Fanidioto and Critter Chick. Cody rolls up Fandango for the win. Winner: Cody Rhodes

Fandango is furious as he attacks Cody. Here comes Sandow to help Fandango. Miz helps even up the numbers. Here comes Lady Man Brad Maddox to make a tag match. When Brad Maddox speaks, you can hear the nervousness in his voice or it could be he is missing his balls. The more I think about it the signs point to him being neutered.

Cody Rhodes/Miz vs. Fandango/Sandow—back from commercial and the match is already underway with Sandow and Rhodes in the ring. Sandow goes for the pin but Rhodes kicks out. Here comes Fandango to fling Cody around the ring. He is working the left arm of Rhodes and he tags in Sandow. Sandow goes for the pin again but Rhodes kicks out. Cody starts fighting back and Sandow drops the Elbow of Disdain. He goes for a pin but Rhodes kicks out. They take each other down with a double clothesline and Rosa is jumping around like the moronic twit she is. Here comes the Miz who does an elbow drop to Sandow. He follows up with a knee and charges him in the corner. He takes down Fandango as well. He rolls up Sandow for the pin but Sandow kicks out. Miz is working the left leg of Sandow. He goes for the Figure Four Leglock but Sandow kicks him. Fandango and Critter Chick take their chicken asses to the back before the match is over. Miz nails Sandow with the SCF. Winners: Cody Rhodes and Skittle Miz

Josh Matthews is interviewing Christian about the gauntlet match Daniel Bryan is facing. Christian is reluctant to say anything bad about it. He says that if you don’t know your history you are doomed to repeat it. Here comes Orton to interrupt. He says Christian will lose his match against Orton tonight. Christian calls Orton, Triple H’s new tool.

The WWE Universe gets to choose the stipulation for the CM Punk/Curtis Axel match. The options are all involving Paul Heyman. Renee Young interviews CM Punk and he says he will trust the WWE Universe to vote the right way. He says he wants Paul Heyman and he will get his hands on him one way or another even if he has to go thru Axel to do so. Speaking of Turdis Axel, he is shown in the locker room and he is working overtime to console the lame walrus down. Axel says Punk cannot out wrestle him. Hold the gotdamn phone, junior needs to sit the fuck down somewhere. A turd outshines him in every way possible. Fucking conceited dumb shit needs to realize he isn’t all that when it comes to promos or wrestling. In this regard he is like Brock Lesnar, they are both worthless as fuck.

Curtis Axel vs. CM Punk—the stipulations are as follows A: Heyman is banned from ringside, B: Heyman is the special guest referee, and or C: If Punk wins, Heyman will be forced to step in the ring with Punk. Axel was not accompanied to the ring by Twinkie Tits. He reluctantly steps out on the stage so he can hear the results. The WWE Universe voted for option C. Punk and Axel start off the match with a side headlock. Axel tries to fight out, he sends Punk flying into the ropes but Punk takes him down with a shoulder block. Punk goes for another side headlock while Axel is down and goes for a pin while both shoulders are down but Axel gets a shoulder up. Another shoulder takedown and a quick pin attempt from Punk. Axel kicks out and rolls out of the ring. Punk goes to the outside and looks towards Heyman. Punk makes a run for him with Axel in tow. Axel slams Punk’s face into the apron. He rolls Punk into the ring and starts stomping away at him. He scoop slams Punk and goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. He has Punk in a side headlock and Punk breaks the hold. Punk nails him and goes for the pin but Axel kicks out. Punk goes to the top rope to do his elbow drop but Axel leaves the ring. Punk does a suicide dive and takes him down. Back from commercial and Punk is still dominating as he chops Axel. Axel takes him down and goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. He nails Punk with a dropkick to the jaw and goes for another pin but Punk kicks out. Punk gets up and starts kicking Axel. Axel sends him flying into the corner but Punk jumps on the ropes and does a crossbody. He goes for the pin and they start reversing each other’s pin attempts before Punk does a lateral press. Axel kicks out and knees Punk in the face. He goes for a pin but Punk kicks out. He does a side suplex twice on Punk but Punk isn’t going to give up. Punk delivers a side spinning neckbreaker on Axel. He does the elbow drop from the top rope and goes for the pin but Axel kicks out. Punk calls for the GTS. He goes for it but Axel fights out. Axel hits him and goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. Axel took too damn long and he gets nailed with the GTS. Winner: CM Punk.

Heyman is shitting his pants as Punk stares at him. He tries to run away but two referees block him. He waits until they are gone and makes another run for it but Security drags him back out. They take him to the ring and Heyman is pleading for his life while throwing his precious Lesnar under the bus. Punk has him in the corner and Axel does a low blow on him. Heyman hands Axel a pair of handcuffs, I don’t even want to know why he has those on the ready. Axel handcuffs Punk’s hands behind his back and they beat the hell out of Punk. Punk does get some offense in but the numbers games aren’t in his favor as they clobber him with a chair and kendo stick. Fuck you Heyman and fuck your lapdog Axel too. Real men fight fair but then again you two are just pussy ass bitches along with Brock Lesnar.

Natalya vs. Brie Bella—JoJo is the ring announcer. For fucks sake fire her and Eva Marie as well. Natalya is accompanied to the ring by the Funkadactyls. Brie is accompanied to the ring by thirsty ass Nikki and the love child of Ronald McDonald and a crayon, Eva Marie. Natalya puts Brie in the corner and is whooping her ass but Dick Slurper counters. She steps on Natalya before going for her submission move. Natalya reverses it and goes for the Sharp Shooter. Nikki aka Desperate Hoe pulls her out of the ring. Brie faceplants her and scores the win. Winner and still a nasty ass whore: Brie Bella

Here comes AJ who cuts a scathing promo on the divas in the ring and Total Divas. She busts all of their balls, the only one who doesn’t deserve it is Natalya. AJ you probably opened your legs and fucked your way to the title. For the Bellas screaming say it to our faces, bitch move your asses up to where AJ is at. Crayola Child and the two bimbos need to sit their thirsty asses down. You know you got where y’all at for dating Daniel Bryan and John Cena so don’t act all innocent and holier than thou on us now. You don’t have talent so shut the fuck up. Brie and Nikki take your dick slurping asses and get the fuck out of my WWE. Nice pipebomb AJ.

RVD vs. ADR—RVD is accompanied to the ring by his personal announcer Ricardo Rodriguez. Ricardo is wearing an RVD shirt underneath his jacket. RVD starts off the match with a series of kicks to Del Rio. He sends Del Boro flying across the ring. RVD sets him up on the ropes and starts attacking which sends Del Rio flying to the floor outside the ring. Back from commercial and Del Rio is in the ring working on RVD. Ricardo is trying to pump up the crowd. RVD fights out of the hold and kicks Del Rio. He goes for a pin but Del Rio kicks out. Del Rio starts stomping and punching away at him. He does a double foot stomp on RVD’s back. Del Rio goes to the top rope and goes for an elbow drop but RVD catches him with a well-timed kick. RVD kicks him again and goes for Rolling Thunder. He goes for the pin but Del Lameo kicks out. Van Dam kicks him and does a moonsault. He goes for the pin but Del Rio kicks out. He kicks Del Rio and goes to the top rope but Del Rio causes him to fall on the ropes. Del Rio kicks him in the head and goes for the pin but RVD kicks out. Ricardo gets on the announcer’s table and cheers for RVD. RVD rolls up Del Rio for the win. We learn that RVD gets a title shot against Del Rio at Night of Champions. Winner: RVD

Josh Matthews interviewing Ryback. Ryback seems like he is off his rocker as Josh asks him about bullying people in the back. He grabs Josh’s face and squeezes it. He throws him down to the ground and forces Matthews to look at him. Josh Matthews deserves better treatment.

A recap of the attack on Punk by Heyman and Axel is shown. Punk’s back looks horrible. Curtis Axel and Heyman are shown walking and Renee Young tries to interview them. Heyman says that Punk is a petulant child that needs to keep getting punished. Heyman says he feels like a man who put his prodigal child in his place. They get in their car and drive off.

Christian vs. Randy Orton—the match starts off with Christian doing his lame ass slow clap.  Christian goes for a quick pin but Orton kicks out. They go for another lockup and both men are struggling for power. Christian sends Orton flying into the ropes and Orton takes him down with a shoulder block. Orton kicks him and follows up with a nasty uppercut. He goes for a DDT from the second rope but Christian tosses him over. He blocks Orton from getting into the ring. Both men are in the ring and Christian goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Christian goes to the top rope and Orton dodges his high flying assault. Orton dropkicks him and starts punching at him, Christian is on the ropes and Orton uses them to his advantage. Orton slams Christian down on the ropes and then knees him. This causes Christian to fall down to the floor. Orton does his signature pose. Christian gets in the ring and is getting his geriatric ass handed to him. Orton does a knee drop to Christian before locking in a side headlock. Christian fights his way to his feet and goes for a neckbreaker but Orton punches his way out. Orton goes for a pin but Christian kicks out. He locks on the chinlock and Christian escapes.  He slaps the taste out of Orton’s mouth and follows up with an elbow to the face. Orton shoves him off the ropes. Back from commercial and Orton is still in charge of the match. He has another chinlock locked in. Christian gets to his feet and starts punching away at Orton.  He climbs to the top rope and Orton starts punching away at him. He head-butts Christian and then climbs the ropes. He superplexes Christian from the top rope. Christian rolls him up for the win but Orton kicks out. Christian starts kicking Orton and finally puts Orton in the corner and starts punching away at him. Christian rolls under the ropes and uses the ropes to hit Orton. He climbs to the top rope and delivers a crossbody. He goes for a pin but Orton kicks out. Christian goes back to the top rope but Orton catches him and goes for the pin but Christian reverses it, Orton kicks out. Orton goes for the DDT from the second rope but Christian counters. Christian goes for the Killswitch but Orton counters with a series of elbows. Christian nails him with a tornado DDT. He goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Christian goes to the outside of the ring and slaps Orton. He is up on the apron and Orton nails him with the DDT from the second rope. Orton goes for the RKO but Christian shoves him off of him. He calls for the spear and Orton dodges him. He finally spears Orton and goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Orton sends him flying into the corner, he goes for the RKO but Christian blocks him and goes for the Killswitch but Randy counters. When the ref isn’t looking, he gives Christian a thumb to the eye. He nails him with the RKO. Winner: Randy Orton

Daniel Bryan shows up on the Titantron, he is in front of Orton’s Escalade. He taunts Orton and shows him the damage he has done to the vehicle. Bryan has painted yes all over the beautiful vehicle in a bright orange color. Hmmm this seems familiar.

Triple H, Randy Orton, and Bradina Maddox are looking at the vandalized vehicle. Triple H is pissed off. Maddox lets them know that everyone is laughing and cheering about this in the locker room. Oh shit was that a burn on Orton by Trips when he said that the WWE championship belongs to him and he lets Orton carry it. He tells Maddox to march everyone out there so they can watch what happens to Daniel Bryan when he has his match tonight. He states that if anyone helps him will get fired by Triple H. He also states that he will laugh while firing them. Orton vows vengeance.

Titus O’Neil vs. Jack Swagger—Darren Young has accompanied Titus to the ring. Jack Swagger is accompanied to the ring by Zeb Colter and Antonio Cesaro. Zeb does a rant that really crosses the line of decency. Someone needs to shut him the fuck up because moronic inbred Zebs are what is wrong with ‘Murica. The match starts off with Swagger taking it to O’Neil.  He clotheslines him and goes for the pin but Titus kicks out. He has him in the corner and is ramming his midsection with his shoulder. Titus starts punching back until Swagger takes him down. Swagger goes for another pin but Titus kicks out. Titus powers to his feet and starts throwing punches and elbows. He takes Swagger down and slams Swagger’s fat ass down. Swagger takes him down and goes for the Ankle lock but Titus kicks him. Swagger uses the ropes as he pins Titus but Young stops him. They have a heated exchange and Titus slams him down. Winner and still better than the Real ‘Muricans: Prime Time Players

A promo of the Wyatt family is shown. Bray Wyatt is sitting in the rocking chair and talking about a sister Abigail. While he is singing and or talking a montage of the damage the Wyatt family has done is shown so far. Kudos to the Wyatt family and to the people who produced this segment because this is creepy as fuck but yet you can’t look away. Bray has a way of drawing you in and scaring you but yet you want to root for him.

Brad Maddox is shown talking to a medical personnel. They are saying that Punk is refusing medical attention. Here comes the man of the hour and Maddox says he needs medical attention. Punk says they cannot help him but Maddox can. Maddox gives him a match at NOC with Curtis Axel and Paul Heyman. This will be a Handicap elimination match and if Heyman tries to get out of it we will never see him again. Punk says if he does get out of this we may never see Maddox again. I am so cool with that.

Here come the superstars to watch the Daniel Bryan matches tonight. Oh look Ziggler touched up his hair. Renee Young tries to interview a few but no one will talk and if they do they stop suddenly.

Daniel Bryan vs. Seth Rollins—the match starts off with Rollins and Bryan locking up. DB puts Seth in the corner and starts kicking him. He puts Rollins in the Surfboard as Roman and Dean look on. Seth punches his way out of it. Seth gets knocked out of the ring and he takes DB with him. Roman and Dean flank the sides and Seth puts DB in the barricade back first. He throws him in the ring and goes for the pin but DB kicks out. They trade blows and Seth starts kicking him. He was standing on him but the referee forces him to break the hold. He chops DB and sends him flying in the corner. DB jumps over him and starts kicking him again. Seth tries to roll under the ropes but Daniel Bryan grabs his hair. DB locks the Half Crab on him but Seth gets to the ropes. He knocks Seth out of the ring. DB does a suicide dive on Rollins that sends him flying over the announcer’s table and into a chair briefly. He goes over to Seth and slams him into the barricade. Back from commercial and Seth has the upperhand. He slams DB backwards and kicks DB. Seth charges at him and splashes him in the corner. He slaps at DB and tells him to stay down. Seth goes to charge at him again but DB follows him and dropkicks him. They trade blows and DB starts kicking him. He rolls Rollins up for the pin but they keep countering each other. Rollins delivers a fucking sweet dropkick to DB. He goes for the pin but DB kicks out. Seth has him in the corner and is punching him. He sits him on the top turnbuckle and they trade blows. Seth goes to the top rope and DB shoves him down on the ropes. He does a belly to back suplex from the top rope. He goes for the pin and wins. Winner: Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan vs. Dean Ambrose—the match starts quickly and DB locks in the Yes lock, before Dean can tap here comes Roman Reigns to save him. God bless Roman. Winner by DQ: Daniel Bryan

Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns—Roman gets the Yes Locked in on him and Ambrose assaults DB. Here comes Seth to assist. Roman Spears him and starts trash talking him. Here comes Triple H to stare down the superstars on the stage. He nods at the Shield and they triple powerbomb Daniel Bryan. Here comes Randy Orton to gloat. Trips pats him on the chest and he heads down to the ring. Dean and Seth help DB up and Orton RKO’s him rather fucking brutally. I fucking love it. YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The Shield stand over the prone body of Daniel Bryan as Randy Orton looks on from the stage. Orton and Trips walk off.

Match of the Night—this honor goes to Christian and Randy Orton. This match was full of drama and action. Just like how I like my wrestling matches.

The WTF Moment—this goes to Zeb Colter’s racist ass rant. Just go away you ignorant fucktard.

In closing, I loved the show. I love the heel turns from Orton and Triple H. I love the fact that I get to see the Shield more. I give this week’s episode an A+++. For those constantly whining about the show just shut the fuck up and enjoy the program or find a new show to watch. Make sure you all check out  We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow!

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