Riley’s Corner: WWE Smackdown Review for 08/16/13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I breakdown each segment and match of SmackDown. This is it as this is the final go home show before the epic SummerSlam PPV on Sunday. We are live from San Jose, California and we have Michael Cole and the always bitchy JBL on commentary. On tonight we have a six man tag match set between the Shield and Mark Henry, Big Show, and RVD. Daniel Bryan takes on Wade Barrett in a no disqualification match.

The Wyatt family kicks off the show. While I’m a fan of theirs and the Shield, please stop comparing the two as they are as different as apples and oranges. The video package of them attacking Kane is shown and it is creepy and brilliant. All three men are in the ring along with the rocking chair. Bray Wyatt addresses the crowd and introduces Rowan and Harper. He claims their actions have been misinterpreted. He tells the story of how Kane came to be. Bray Wyatt is awesome as hell on the microphone. He ends the promo with his tag line of ‘follow the buzzards’ and this is when Kane’s pyro hits the ring. His music hits shortly after and Kane attacks from behind. He takes out Rowan and Harper. He gets in the ring with Bray and they have a brief stare down. Kane does the Undertaker’s signature taunt of making a cutting the throat gesture. Kane attacks Bray Wyatt and here comes Harper and Rowan. Kane tosses them out of the ring and Bray takes Kane down. Harper and Rowan takes him down while Bray laughs. He does his signature finisher and kneels over Kane. He screams ‘follow the buzzards’.

Damien Sandow vs. Christian—Sandow once again handcuffs his briefcase to the ring. The match starts off with a lockup and Sandow launches an attack. Christian does a drop toe hold which causes Sandow to get caught up on the ropes. Christian goes to the outside to slap him but Damien moves out of the way and he tries to do an elbow drop but Christian moves. Christian goes to the second rope and nails him with a missile dropkick. He goes for a quick pin but Sandow kicks out. Sandow drapes Christian over the ropes and delivers a high knee to the face. Christian drops to the floor and Sandow goes after him. He rolls Christian into the ring and goes for a pin but Christian kicks out. Sandow has a squeeze hold locked in and Christian powers to his feet and Sandow punches him in the kidney. Sandow knocks him out of the ring. Sandow rolls out and tosses Christian into the steel steps. Back from commercial and both men are in the ring. Sandow has him in a reverse chinlock and Christian breaks free. They fight it out for a few before Sandow goes outside the ring to attack Christian. He sets Christian up on the apron and goes for a move but Christian counters and tries to do a pin but Sandow kicks out. Christian sets him up in the corner and stands on the ropes and pummels away. He goes for a pin but Sandow kicks out. Christian goes to the top rope but no one is there when he lands. Sandow nails him with a neckbreaker and goes for a pin but Christian kicks out. Christian hits him with a right hand. He connects with a flying punch. He goes for the Killswitch but Sandow counters with a cartwheel. He does a Side Russian Leg sweep and goes for the elbow of disdain but Christian rolls him up for the win. Christian spears him and here comes Alberto Del Rio to attack Christian. Del Rio taunts him saying that this is the end of the road for him and that he will never be World Heavyweight Champion. Christian nails him with the Killswitch. Winner: Christian

Renee Young is interviewing RVD about his upcoming match at SummerSlam with Dean Ambrose. Wow, he delusional as fuck if he thinks he is taking the gold away from Dean Ambrose. She asks if he is worried about Roman and Seth interfering and here comes the Big Show and Mark Henry. She asks Big Show what brought him back and he replies that he is tired of the Shield running around like it’s their yard. Umm hello it is their yard, you older than dirt fucktards. So sit down and take your geriatric man pills and shut up.

Kaitlyn/Natalya vs. AJ/Layla—the match starts off with Natalya and Layla. Layla prances around like she is relevant. Nattie takes her down and has her in a side headlock. Layla counters with leg scissors and Nattie breaks free. They keep going back and forth with pins. Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter and AJ runs interference. Nattie turns her attention on the psycho bitch and Layla attacks her. While the referee is distracted AJ kicks Nattie. Layla booty bumps Nattie in the face and tags in AJ. They double team her and AJ hops on her back. Nattie struggles to carry the deadweight that is AJ and tries to get to her tag partner but fails to do so. AJ jumps down and attacks Kaitlyn. AJ is back on Nattie and is squeezing her. Nattie takes her down and tags in AJ who takes her down with a clothesline and an elbow. She picks her up and delivers a backbreaker. She goes for the pin but AJ kicks out. AJ fights back and runs the ropes but Kaitlyn catches her and drops her like Dolph and the other guys did. She goes for the pin but here comes Layla to break it up. Before Layla leaves the ring she kicks Kaitlyn in the back of the leg. AJ nails her with the Shining Wizard. Layla you still ain’t shit so why you grinning. You weren’t relevant last month and trick you still ain’t relevant. Winners: AJ and Layla

Renee Young interviews Ryback. Why is he dressing like he is a missing member of the Village People? He mocks Renee and her cheerful tone before answering her question. He says he lives for brutality. He glares at someone off camera before walking off and attacking a backstage crew member. If you want to prove that you are the baddest bitch in the yard, start picking on people your own size or bigger. You don’t have to go after the preschoolers. He goes back to the interview and says that people are scared of him.

The Shield vs. Mark Henry/RVD/Big Show aka the Irrelevant Bunch—sorry but not really but that’s what they are to me. The match starts off with Rollins and Mark Henry squaring off. Mark Henry is owning Rollins before tagging in RVD. Dude if you don’t know your own name by now then maybe you should wear a sticker or hell lay off the marijuana. He does the rolling thunder maneuver before a standing moonsault. Here comes Dean Ambrose fresh off the tag. He is making RVD his little bitch before planting him in the Shield’s corner. Here comes Roman Reigns who goes for a quick pin but RVD kicks out. Roman scoops up the ‘high’ flyer and slams him down. He goes for another pin but RVD kicks out. He has him in the reverse chinlock and RVD fights his way out. Roman Reigns superman punches Mark Henry. While he taunts Big Show, RVD kicks Reigns. He tags in Ambrose and RVD tags in the Big Slow. He hurts Ambrose and sends Roman and Seth flying over the top rope. That’s right Roman you take the big crying bitch down. Mark Henry gotta come in and toss Reigns into the announcers table. And here comes Rollins to take down Henry. BODIES are everywhere. Big Show barely beats the count out. Big Show knocks out Ambrose and tags in RVD who does his five star frog splash. Winners: The Geriatric Irrelevant bunch

Miz vs. Jack Swagger—Swagger is accompanied to the ring by Zeb Colter and Captain Lameass Antonio Cesaro. That’s what I’m going to call him when he wears a cape to the ring. Colter does another racist rant and yes I’m fast forwarding it. The match starts off with a lockup and Swagger putting Miz in the corner. Swagger gets taken down by the Miz. He starts working the left leg of Swagger. Swagger takes the Miz down. He flings the Miz into the corner and splashes him. He does pushups on the Miz’s prone body. Swagger, you would be a decent wrestler if you did more pushups and stopped being a douchebag. He knocks down the Miz. Keep talking about JR, you trifling worthless ass piece of shit JBL. You’re a pathetic has been. Miz hits him with a neckbreaker. Miz plants him and goes for the pin but Swagger kicks out. Miz goes for a kick but Swagger dodges him. Cesaro gets involved and Swagger knocks the Miz off the apron. The referee boots Captain Lameass and Colter from ringside. Miz rolls up Swagger. Swagger is about to cry. Winner: The Miz

Zack Ryder vs. Curtis Axel—Axel is accompanied to the ring by Twinkie Tits Paul Heyman. Dear Zack Ryder, you can change your hair, your gear but you can never change being a jobber. This farce of a match gets underway when Ryder goes for a quick rollup. Axel kicks out and starts attacking Ryder. Ryder goes to the top rope but Axel misses. Ryder takes him down and goes for a pin but Axel kicks out. Axel does a weak and I do mean weak suplex. Ryder gets the upperhand and calls for the Broski boot but Axel moves out of the way. Ryder throws him in the ring and goes for a move but Axel moves. He starts pummeling away at Ryder. He does the neckbreaker and goes for the pin. Winner: Curtis Axel

Paul Heyman is in the ring to bash CM Punk about his brutal but amazing attack on Lesnar. Punk is better than your little windup toy Brock Lesnar. Punk can cut a promo and wrestle which is more than Lesnar. He only knows two moves and should never be allowed to cut a promo. Seriously sounds like he has balls in his mouth when he talks and that high pitched voice he has makes him sound like a chick.

Daniel Bryan vs. Wade Barrett—this is a No DQ match. Can creative figure out what they hell they are doing with Wade Barrett? The match starts off with a lockup and Barrett putting DB in the corner. DB escapes and starts kicking away at Barrett. Barrett gains the momentum and quickly gets taken down by Daniel Bryan. He gets knocked out of the ring and DB goes to follow him but Barrett sends him flying into the barricade. Barrett goes for a kick but DB dodges and Barrett catches his testicles on the barricade. Here comes a table by DB. Barrett slams DB’s face on the announcer table. He throws him into the steel steps. Barrett grabs a kendo stick and starts swinging it at DB. Somehow DB grabs it and starts swinging away. He goes to the top rope and does a missile dropkick. Here comes Vince McMahon, looking like he skinned a picnic table. Back from commercial and Vince is watching ringside as Barrett hits a swinging neckbreaker and goes for the pin but DB kicks out. Barrett sets up a table in the corner. He goes for a powerbomb but DB counters into a modified Hurricanrana. Barrett is on the outside and DB follows. He taunts McMahon before the fight continues outside the ring. Barrett sends DB flying into the steel post. Barrett grabs a chair before getting in the ring and smashes it into DB’s back. Both men are down. DB gets up and takes down Barrett who is resting in the corner. He grabs the kendo stick and starts swinging away at Barrett’s left arm. He is alternating between swinging the kendo stick and kicking Barrett. He goes for a kick to the head but Barrett rolls him up for the pin and DB counters with the Yes Lock. As Barrett is tapping out, Vince pulls the referee out of the ring. DB asks why did that and Vince looks like he is about to shit his diaper. Barrett hits him with the bull hammer and goes for the pin and here comes Brad Maddox to officiate. DB kicks out at two. Barrett goes for a pump handle slam and DB counters and pins him. Maddox isn’t counting and DB glares at him. Vince hands Barrett the kendo stick and he nails Maddox with it. DB sends Barrett crashing thru the table.  Vince takes the shirt off of a referee and puts on the shirt. Here comes Triple H to stop the shenanigans. He is wearing a referee shirt. DB goes to the top rope and does the flying goat. He pins Barrett and Triple H does his job as a referee. They taunt Vince before he struts away. Winner: Daniel Bryan.

Here comes Randy Orton with his binky in hand. Dude we get it you are the money in the bank winner.

Match of the Night—goes to the Shield even though they lost. It was still an entertaining match.

The WTF goes to the rest of the show. I’m sorry but it was boring as hell. I would rather have a kidney stone than to sit thru that again.

In closing, I thought the show was an epic failure. You make your top guys look weak against a bunch of has beens. I give the show a D+ for being lackluster and blah. Also the sooner you get rid of JBL, I’m sure ratings would go thru the roof. . Make sure you all check out  We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow!

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