Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 08/05/13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I breakdown each segment and match on RAW. We are seeing the buildup to the PPV SummerSlam. Will we see Daniel Bryan get a corporate makeover and if so what will that entail? We are live from Green Bay, Wisconsin. Also we will see Curtis Axel take on CM Punk tonight. Also will Layla tell Kaitlyn why she turned against her and joined forces with AJ.

Stephanie McMahon opens up the show and starts talking about Daniel Bryan and how Vince doesn’t like him. She says that Daniel Bryan agreed to the corporate makeover and a video package is shown of him getting a spa treatments, eating out and getting fitted for a new wardrobe. The crowd doesn’t like this and shouts ‘no, no, no’. Here comes Daniel Bryan with his hair slicked back into a ponytail and in a suit. Stephanie likes the makeover and she tells him so before giving him the microphone. He thanks Stephanie for her time and effort for making the makeover happen, he says the company has John Cena to be the face of the company. He goes on to say that he respects John Cena picking him as his opponent. He says that Cena is an entertainer while DB is a wrestler. He says that he will maintain this look for now and says he will make Cena tapout at SummerSlam. Here comes Vince McMahon to add his two cents. He struts to the ring and gets in Daniel Bryan’s face. He says he appreciates Stephanie’s interference. Vince says he is kind of warming up to Daniel Bryan. He then calls him a dwarf and insults his muscular frame, he says he has the look of a gargoyle. Least Daniel Bryan doesn’t look like the love child of Howdy Doody and Shrek like Cena does. Vince says he needs to do one more thing and that is to shave the beard. Vince calls out for people to bring down a barber chair and the tools required. Daniel Bryan is saying no to this. Vince gives him an ultimatum and says do it or else. Vince encourages him to take the step to become the next WWE champion. Daniel Bryan gets in the chair and here comes Wade Barrett to shave Daniel Bryan. Barrett breaks out his grooming kit and DB looks unsure of himself. Before he starts DB hits him and shaves off half of his beard. Wade gets sent flying over the barricade and hopefully this is the end of this bullshit segment. DB screams that he will not change. He strips down to his new shirt that says the ‘The Beard is Here’. Awesome shirt.

RVD vs. ADR—welcome back Ricardo, I’ve missed you. The Miz is on commentary.  The match starts off with ADR taking it to RVD. He is pounding away at RVD and backs him into the corner. RVD flings him into the other corner and then kicks ADR. He does a standing moonsault and goes for the pin but ADR kicks out. We see that Christian is watching the match in the back. ADR kicks RVD but RVD kicks him off of the apron. RVD does another moonsault which causes both men to crash to the floor. Back from commercial break and ADR has gained control of the match. He goes to slam RVD’s face into the turnbuckle but RVD blocks him and kicks him. He goes for the Rolling Thunder but ADR moves out of the way. ADR goes for his big kick while RVD is in the corner but misses. RVD connects with his Rolling Thunder and goes for a pin but ADR kicks out. Ricardo sets up the bucket in the corner for ADR to use but RVD reverses it and sends ADR flying into it. Winner: RVD

Alberto Del Rio viciously attacks Ricardo Rodriguez with a kick to the head. He starts pummeling away at his alleged best friend. He nails him repeatedly with the bucket before tossing him out of the ring. Holy shit that was a nasty ass bump he took. He sets it up where his head is behind the steel steps and he dropkicks the stairs. He grabs his belt and poses on the ropes while Ricardo lays there like a broken doll.

Cody Rhodes is in the ring looking dapper in a three piece suit. He has a cardboard box sitting in the ring. He states that he has a gift for Damien Sandow. A recap of him stealing the briefcase and the aftermath is shown. Cody pulls the briefcase out of the box and tells Sandow to come and get it. Sandow comes down to get the still leaking case. He tells Cody to put down the case and leave. Cody puts it down and backs out of the ring. When Sandow gets in the ring, Cody slides in and attacks him. He grabs the briefcase and opens it. He shakes the contents out and tosses the briefcase to the floor.

Ryback vs. Mark Henry—the match starts off with Ryback shoving Henry backwards into the ropes. Ryback goes for a headlock but Mark Henry shoulder tackles him after sending him flying into the ropes. Ryshrek uses his feet to take down Mark Henry. He punches and kicks away at Henry who struggles to his feet. Henry does another shoulder tackle and goes to slam him down but Ryback squirms his way out of the hold and leaves the ring. Winner via Countout: Mark Henry

The Bella Twins are shown primping backstage. I wish a piano would drop on your heads. You two are pretty…..pretty dumb. You are identical twins so stop arguing over which one of you two dick slurping sluts are the hottest. Here comes Eva Marie and she is kissing up to those two sluts. Here comes Natalya and they insult her by saying its silly looking to have Nattie on their show. Your show? Really? Really? How many dicks did you have to suck or take up the ass to get ‘your’ show? Nattie is prettier and way more talented than you two skanky assclowns. Nattie slaps her and I wish to god she would slap them again. I’m sorry but not really but those two Bella twits need to go sit down somewhere and shut the fuck up.

Here comes John Cena to bore us with his big ass mouth. He says he is used to having a target on his back. Dude, maybe if you wasn’t such an ass kissing idiot who thought he was hot shit in the back maybe you wouldn’t have a target on your back. You wanna get salty with Daniel Bryan for attacking how you look, than maybe you should own up to who you are. You are either the face of the company or you are a backstabbing bitch who gets talent fired because you don’t like how they treat you. You can’t have it both ways Super Cena. Your time is up. Wrestlers such as Stone Cold Steve Austin have had major injuries and they came back just because you have a bum elbow doesn’t mean shit. If you’re gonna be that whiney about it then quit. What Daniel Bryan does is wrestling, at least he knows more than five fucking moves of doom? Daniel Bryan has something you’re lacking John and that is a passion for wrestling. All you care about is collecting a paycheck. You can say that you have the heart but it’s just words. Dude, you’re only champion because you cry and whine like a little bitch. Cena tosses down the mic after bitching and whining. Here comes Orton with his briefcase in hand. Orton has the microphone and dammit Orton you botched your line. Before Orton could go any further the Shield’s music hits and I’m screaming like a fangirl. The Shield surrounds the ring and here comes Daniel Bryan to even up the numbers. Here comes Brad Maddox sounding like a nervous little girl. He makes a six man match for the main event, the Shield vs. Daniel Bryan, Randy Orton and Shronkey.

Tons of Funk vs. The Wyatt Family—Harper and Tensai start off the match. Harper starts striking away at him and bitch slaps him. Tensai takes him down but Harper takes him down and tags in Rowan. Tensai takes him down with a clothesline. Here comes Harper and Brodus Clay. Rowan takes down Brodus Clay and Harper holds him in the corner where he cannot interfere. Rowan takes down Tensai. Winner: The Wyatt Family

Bray Wyatt gets in the ring and lays out Brodus Clay with his finishing move. He gets on the microphone and calls out Kane. He says Kane isn’t a monster but rather a fairytale. He finishes with the cryptic message of ‘follow the buzzards’. Kane’s pyro hits and he shows up on the Titantron and Kane lashes out. Kane says he likes what they are doing except that he destroys people for fun. He challenges Bray Wyatt to a match at SummerSlam. It’s going to be a Ring of Fire match. Kane’s pyro hits and they cower in the ring. Bray is laughing hysterically.

Josh Matthews is interviewing CM Punk and his thoughts on Paul Heyman, Curtis Axel and Brock Lesnar. Punk chooses to talk about Axel’s father, Mr. Perfect Curt Henning. He says he will take care of Curtis Axel tonight in their match and then he will go after Paul Heyman. Matthews then asks about his upcoming match with Brock Lesnar and Punk responds it will be known as the night the beast got neutered. Punk, I have nothing but respect for you but Lesnar already lost his balls. Have you heard him talk?

Kaitlyn vs. Layla—Layla tries to skip down to the ring. She claims she did it because she wanted attention. Layla, if you were flawless than you would have the Divas title already. Sorry but I’m not buying what you are selling or giving away for free. Layla starts taunting to her and Kaitlyn takes her down and beats the shit out of her. She goes for the pin but Layla kicks out. Layla grabs the ropes like a chicken. She hits Kaitlyn and goes for the pin but Kaitlyn kicks out. Layla sits on the ropes and does a submission move until the ref forces her to break it up. She pulls Kaitlyn’s hair and Kaitlyn scoops her up and does a backbreaker. She takes her down with a clothesline and delivers another vicious move. She goes for the spear and here comes AJ to skip around the ring. I wish that bitch would stay in the back. Layla takes advantage of the distraction and kicks Kaitlyn in the head. Winner: Lackluster Layla.

Christian vs. Heath Slater—Slater is accompanied by his flunkies Drew McIntyre and Jinder Mahal. The match starts off with Christian and Heath fighting it out. Christian goes to the outside and is surrounded by Drew and Jinder. Slater takes him down as he gets in the ring and goes for a pin but Christian kicks out. Slater goes for a chinlock but Christian is fighting to his feet. Slater uses the ropes and when the ref is distracted Slater’s minions attack him. Wendy Spice flies from the top rope and gets a boot to the face from Christian. He boots him back but Christian faceplants him. He goes for a missile dropkick followed up with a pin attempt but Wendy kicks out. Slater is on the outside of the apron and Christian helps him in. He goes for another pin but Slater kicks out. Slater stop embarrassing yourself with your dancing. Christian spears him and scores the win. Winner: Christian

CM Punk vs. Curtis Axel—Axel is accompanied to the ring by Mr. Walrus, I mean Paul Heyman. Punk doesn’t wait for Axel to get to the ring. He takes the fight to them and they start it on the ramp. Punk goes after Heyman who waddled to the back. Axel sends Punk into the barricade and they trade blows as the ref tries to get them back in the ring. Finally the match is officially underway and Axel has him in the corner and is clobbering him. He tries to fling Punk into the ropes but Punk reverses it. Punk starts working on Axel’s left leg. Make it snap!!!!! Punk sends him flying outside the ring and he does a suicide dive which sends Axel crashing into the barricade. Back from commercial and the twerp Axel is in charge of the match. Punk kicks him and before he can act on it Axel kicks him and goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. Axel goes to the top and drops an elbow. He goes for another pin but Punk kicks out. Here comes Walrus Fucker Heyman. Punk fights to his feet and takes down Axel. Punk crawls towards him and Axel takes him down. He goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. Axel sends Punk flying into the corner but Punk goes to the top rope and delivers a brutal cross body. He goes to the outside to chase Heyman but Axel clotheslines him. Both men are inside the ring and Axel goes to the top rope but Punk dodges him. Punk nails him with a high elbow and follows up with a swinging neckbreaker.  He nails Axel with a high knee and goes to the top rope and Axel shakes the ropes. Axel hits him with a rough looking neckbreaker and goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. Axel gets kicked in the face, hopefully this will knock some talent in him. He goes underneath the ropes and Punk grabs Heyman. Here comes Brock Lesnar, oh how I hate Lesnar. Axel gets the GTS from Punk. Punk swings a chair at Snaggletooth Lesnar but Lesnar snatches it out of his hand. Lesnar goes for the F5 but Punk sends him flying into the steel post. Beat that bitch!!!! Punk gets on the announcers’ booth and takes down Lesnar. Lesnar does a suplex and he stands over Punk and rolls him in the ring. Heyman gets in the ring. Punk fights out of the F5 again and nails that bitch ass Lesnar with the chair. Heyman is begging and while Punk is distracted, Lesnar hits him with the F5. Brock attacks him with a chair. Sweating already Brock? I guess carrying all those rocks in your head does that to you. Stick to retirement you worthless fuck.

Renee Young interviews Brock Lesnar, Paul Heyman, and Curtis Axel. Please let Heyman do all the talking as you two wussies haven’t found your balls yet. Of course Squeakers Lesnar is going to talk. Did someone have to feed him the words? Paul leans in and tells her to deliver a message to Punk that he may not make it to SummerSlam as Paul will challenge him to a fight next week. Dude, Lesnar looks like he is going to have a heat stroke. Someone better dip him in the horse trough.

Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston—sorry but zero fucks are given about this match. Kofi is stale and I hate the Fandumbo gimmick. The match starts off with Kofi attacking Fandango. He goes for the pin but Fandingo kicks out. Fandango punches him while Critter Chick claps. Fandango slams him down and goes for the pin but Kofi kicks out. Fandango slams him down and goes for another pin while Critter chick screams. Please send her back to the critter farm. Fandango goes to ropes and drops but Kofi moves out of the way. Kofi gains momentum and dropkicks Fandango. He does the Boom Drop. Fandango rolls under the ropes and kicks Kofi in the head. He uses the ropes for leverage but Kofi kicks out. Kofi goes to the top and goes for a Cross Body and a lateral press. Winner: Kofi Kingston

Triple H and Stephanie are shown in the back and Stephanie is crying because Vince berated her for the corporate makeover of Daniel Bryan. Triple H tells her that Vince lost his creative genius. Triple H says that he will stop whatever Vince has planned for SummerSlam.

Jack Swagger/Antonio Cesaro vs. The Usos—Swagger and Cesaro are accompanied by Zeb Colter who goes on a longwinded racist rate and insults the football team and cheese. Keep grabbing your nuts Uso boy. Jimmy starts off with Swagger. Swagger gets knocked down by Jimmy. He goes for the pin but Swagger kicks out. He chops Swagger and sends him flying into the ropes. Swagger tags in Cesaro and Cesaro throws the Uso across the ring. He uppercuts him again and tags in Swagger. They take advantage of the situation when the referee isn’t looking. The Uso tries to fight his way to his corner but it isn’t happening. Swagger delivers the Swagger Bomb and tags in Cesaro. Cesaro goes for a pin but the Uso kicks out. Here comes Swagger. Swagger goes for the pin but the Uso kicks out. Uso kicks Swagger and both men are down. Both men tag in their partners and Jey is kicking Cesaro. He goes for the pin but Cesaro kicks out. Jimmy and Swagger fight it out. Cesaro goes flying from the top rope and gets nailed by a kick. Uso goes for the pin but Cesaro kicks out. The Uso goes for a Samoan Drop but Cesaro and Swagger cheat. Cesaro nails him with the Neutralizer. Winner: Swagger, Uncle Pippi and Cesaro

Dolph Ziggler vs. Big E Langston—Big E is accompanied to the ring by AJ Lee. Is it wrong that I hope she has an unfortunate skipping incident? The match starts off with Ziggler dodging Langston. Langston grabs him sends him flying into the ropes. Ziggler goes for the pin but Big Boob E kicks out. Ziggler uses the ropes to his advantage but Big E knocks him off the apron. Big E goes for the pin but Ziggler kicks out. He puts Ziggler in the abdominal stretch and Dolphikins kicks out. Ziggler goes for a neckbreaker and goes for the pin but Big E kicks out. Big E delivers a knee to the spine and goes for the pin but Ziggler kicks out. Dolph hits the fameasser but Big E kicks out. Here comes Kaitlyn and AJ fights her. Big E hits the Big Ending on Dolph and scores the win. Winner: Big E

The Shield vs. Orton/DB/Shronkey—Orton and Rollins start if off and Rollins aggressively attacks Orton. Rollins puts Orton in the corner until Orton counters and stands on the ropes to punch Rollins. He shoulder blocks Rollins and suplexes him. He goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out. Orton tags in Daniel Bryan. Here comes Dean Ambrose and my inner fangirl has just fainted from excitement. DB sends Ambrose flying over the ropes and he does a suicide dive to take him out. Rollins attacks DB. Ambrose goes to the outside to take on DB and starts chopping away at DB. He tags in Reigns and they double team him. Reigns goes for the cover but DB kicks out. Rollins comes in and works on DB while Shronkey tries to rile up the crowd. Here comes Reigns to help Rollins. He goes for the pin but DB kicks out. DB takes down the other two members of the Shield and kicks Roman in the head. Rollins tries to pull him back into their corner while the referee was distracted with the Ambrose, DB tags in Cena. Since the ref didn’t see it he kicks Cena out of the ring. Orton attacks Ambrose. Rollins sends DB flying into Orton. He goes for the pin but DB counters with the Yes Lock. Before Rollins can tap, Ambrose and Reigns interfere causing them to lose by DQ. Here comes Shronkey to attack. He and DB clear the ring of the Shield. Orton RKOS Daniel Bryan and the Shield attacks them both. Orton RKOS Cena. I’m not impressed Marshmallow Fluff Orton. He acts like he is going to cash in his MITB briefcase and the Shield comes back down to the ring. They get in the ring and Orton backs off. Roman spears Cena and Ambrose attacks Daniel Bryan. They triple powerbomb Daniel Bryan. They stand over Daniel Bryan while Orton looks on in disbelief.

Match of the Night—this honor goes to the Shield. They kicked ass and they took names. At least they back up what they say unlike Orton. Orton is apparently all hiss and no bite.

The WTF moment—goes to Cena and his long winded spiel. Just shut the fuck up Cena. In twenty years no one will remember who the fuck you are.

In closing the show was saved by the Shield. In honor of their triumphant return to television I give RAW a grade of an A+. Thank you Seth, Roman, and Dean for making RAW that much better. Make sure you all check out We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow!

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