Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I breakdown each segment and match of RAW. Tonight we are live from Charleston, South Carolina. On commentary, we have the talented Michael Cole, comic relief Jerry Lawler and the always irritating JBL. On a serious note, the Mayernation family and I would like to send our condolences to the family of Jackie Fargo who passed away recently.
Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton—how many times are we going to be subjected to seeing these two wrestle? Before the match starts, DB is on the microphone bitching and moaning again that he isn’t the weak link. Prove it instead of constantly talking about it. With that beard I can see why they asked if you were an extra in the Hobbit. DB tries to talk to Orton but Orton jerks the microphone out of the Scraggly Do’s hand. Before the bell could ring, DB attacks him. The match now officially starts and the two are slugging it out. Orton throws him thru the ropes and delivers a brutal clothesline. He sends him flying over the announcers table and the poor misguided referee is trying to break it up. The bell rings and the two men are still fighting outside the ring. Here comes other officials to break up the chick fight. Sorry but that is what it reminds me of. Orton seriously needs to get his balls back. Dude, I love ya but they are making you look like a wimpy, ball-less version of yourself.
Brad Maddox and Vickie G. are shown talking in the back when DB comes running in and screaming like a demented hobbit. Maddox tells him that it will not happen. DB says to make it happen or he wants a match with Brad Maddox. Vickie caves and gives him a rematch with Orton. Vince comes in and tells Vickie to figure out what he thinks of Daniel Bryan after he rambles on for a few minutes. That purple shirt that Maddox is wearing compliments his wussy side rather nicely.
Team Rhodes Scholars vs. Sheamus/Christian—I am dubbing Sandow and Rhodes as Team Beardos. Wow, Christian gets a bigger pop than Sheamus. The match starts off with Christian and Rhodes, this starts off with a lockup and Rhodes takes Christian down. They tease another lockup but Rhodes kicks Christian but somehow Christian takes Rhodes down. He goes for a rollup but Rhodes kicks out. Christian uses the ropes to take advantage of Rhodes. Sandow distracts Captain Charisma so Rhodes could kick him again. Rhodes tags in Sandow, and Sandow starts delivering knee drops to the midsection of Christian. He goes for the pin but Christian kicks out. Sandow delivers a brutal punch and a side Russian leg sweep. He delivers the Elbow of Disdain before going for the pin but Christian kicks out. Rhodes comes back in and delivers a standing vertical suplex to Christian. He goes for the pin but again Christian kicks out. He tries to taunt Christian which causes Christian to try and nail him with the Killswitch but Cody counters. Finally here comes Sheamus and Sandow. Sheamus nails him with a high knee and takes him clubbering. He scoops him up and tries to nail him with the White Noise but Sandow counters and Cody tags himself in and gets the Brogue kick for his efforts. Winners: Christian and Sheamus
CM Punk is shown in the back playing with his phone as Vickie Guerrero interrupts. He asks if Heyman or Lesnar is there and she denies knowing. She says she is putting him in a match tonight while he ignores her. She screams excuse me and he gets up and screams excuse me in her face. He tells her to let him know if they show up.
Kaitlyn vs. Aksana—Once again, I ask how in the fuck is Aksana still employed by the WWE. Layla is in Kaitlyn’s corner. She cannot wrestle and her skills on the microphone are non-existent. A recap of their fight is shown from Friday night. The match starts off with Aksana kicking Kaitlyn and then follows that up with a slap. Kaitlyn takes her down as her music starts over again. This confuses Kaitlyn and the referee. Here comes AJ dressed as Kaitlyn. Aksana taking advantage of this tries to roll up Kaitlyn for the win. Kaitlyn spears her and scores the win. Winner: Kaitlyn.
AJ gets on the microphone and continues her spoof of Kaitlyn, here comes her accomplice Big E. They do a William Shatner styled re-enactment of the secret admirer segment. Layla can barely hold Kaitlyn back in the ring. Seriously AJ you have Dolph and the title, get over your resentment of Kaitlyn. Clearly you are jealous because you are two apples high compared to Kaitlyn.
Another Wyatt family promo is shown. The more I see the promos the more I realize the WWE needs the Wyatt family to stir things up and to keep everything fresh. With that said, I am counting on you so please don’t let me down.
A recap of the Mark Henry segment from last week is shown. Mark Henry did play everyone with his faux retirement speech. He truly deserves a legit championship run. He can do what Ryback failed to do. Everytime I see him slam Cena down, I smile a little harder because I know Cena’s reign of terror might be coming to a close. Before you Cena fanatics start attacking me please know this there are more talented superstars in the WWE then your precious Cena. For example: Orton, DiBiase Jr., Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, Daniel Bryan, Chris Jericho, Triple H and others. Seriously y’all are so blinded by Shronkey that you cannot see the greatness that is before you with the aforementioned superstars.
Chris Jericho vs. ADR—ADR is accompanied to the ring by Ricardo Rodriguez. During ADR’s intro we learn that Ziggler will be getting his rematch at Money In the Bank. Oh happy, happy, joy, joy. The match starts off with ADR taking down Jericho but Y2J counters. ADR goes for a side headlock but Jericho powers out until ADR kicks him. Jericho delivers a brutal dropkick to the face of ADR. Jericho flings him into the corner and starts chopping him. He does a snap mare takedown before suplexing ADR. He goes for the pin but ADR kicks out. The crowd is clearly behind Jericho. ADR has him in the corner and is attacking him before the referee breaks it up. ADR drop kicks him but Jericho mounts a comeback. ADR gets tossed out on his ass and as he gets on the apron, he dodges Jericho’s attack which sends Jericho flying over the top rope. ADR then flings Jericho into the barricade. Back from commercial and ADR is in control of the match. Jericho rolls him up but ADR counters. Jericho sends him flying into the ropes and then delivers a knee. Jericho goes for another pin but ADR kicks out. He chops ADR again before taking him down with a series of shoulder tackles. Jericho goes to the top rope but ADR counters with a brutal kick to the back of Jericho’s head. Jericho is down on the floor outside the ring. As the referee counts Jericho gets to his feet and barely makes it into the ring in time. ADR goes for the pin but Jericho kicks out. ADR is working the neck of Jericho but Jericho powers to his feet. They start trading chops back and forth before ADR drops Jericho. He stomps Jericho down to the mat and goes for the pin but is thwarted by Jericho. He kicks Jericho in the back and goes back to work on the neck. Jericho is working on fighting out but ADR delivers head-butt after head-butt before Jericho bounces his head off the tope turnbuckle. ADR puts him on the top rope but Jericho knocks him down. Jericho stands on the top rope and delivers a crossbody and goes for the pin but ADR kicks out. Jericho takes him down and goes for a bridge pin but ADR counters out. ADR kicks Jericho in the midsection and throws him into the corner. He goes to charge but Jericho moves. Jericho goes for the codebreaker but ADR catches him. He then goes for the Walls of Jericho but ADR counters. He goes for the Cross Arm breaker but Jericho bulldogs him. He goes for the Lion Sault but ADR counters and puts him in the Cross Arm Breaker. Jericho is trying to scoot over to the rope and uses the ropes to his advantage. He locks in the Walls of Jericho and Ricardo nails him with the bucket. Before you all start bitching about the interference on ADR’s behalf, just remember Dolphie Poo does the same damn thing. Here comes Ziggler to attack ADR. Oh hey he finally got his roots touched up. Winner: Jericho
Blondie and Jericho have a staredown before Jericho walks off. Blondie attack Jericho.
Vickie G. and her little pup Brad Maddox is shown in their office. Triple H walks in and confronts her about the rumors about cancelling the match between Orton and Daniel Bryan. He shows support of the match. He tells her not to cancel the match but to let the WWE vote for the type of match they should have. Didn’t that happen last week? He insults Maddox’s purple shirt by asking if that comes in men’s sizes. BURN!!!!!!!!
The Sheamus 1-800-FELLA commercial is shown and it’s the most hilarious one to date. This is also all the attention I am going to give it.
It is time for the launch of the 2K14 video game. Vickie G., Brad Maddox and Jerry Lawler are in the ring to show the cover and announce the contest for the video game. The fans get a chance to create their own cover. Vickie shows her cover design which has the McMahons and Triple H on it. Before she can make her announcement the fans are drowning her out with boos. Maddox shows his version which shows him, CM Punk and Cena. You ass kissing dumbasses make me sick. Jerry interrupts their bickering to show the real cover. Surprise it has the Rock on it. Sorry but I don’t think he should be on it. The part-timers do not deserve it. It should be either the Shield or Punk. How the fuck are his (Rock) movies relevant to the WWE? I would understand if they were WWE movies but they aren’t. Someone give me three valid reasons of why the Rock should be on the cover.
Ryback vs. The Great Khali—Wooo a match I give zero fucks about. Khali is accompanied to the ring by Natalya and Hornswoggle. As much as I bitch about Big E needing bigger trunks, The Great Khali needs to wear a damn shirt. Nobody wants to see his half dollar sized nipples. While I am being brutally honest, no one wants to see him wrestle. The match starts off with a lockup and both men are struggling until Khali backs Ryshrek into the corner. He starts chopping him and damn they sound brutal. He starts kicking Ryshrek until he counters. Khali delivers a huge boot to his head and that clothesline was awful. He delivers elbows to the shoulder of Ryback and punches him on the head. He goes to slam Ryback but Ryback counters with the Shell Shocked. Winner: Ryback
John “Shronkey” Cena comes out to cut a promo on Mark Henry. Dude seriously nobody wants to hear your lame ass promos until you either turn heel or learn some new moves. He verbally attacks Mark Henry. All I hear from him when he talks now is the sounds of a man blubbering a bunch of nonsense.
Tons of Funk vs. 3MB vs. the USOs—this match is for the number one contenders for the Tag team titles. As if these three teams are worthy of going against Reigns and Rollins. One of the Usos and Jinder start off the match. The USO kicks Drew McIntyre in the head. They double team Mahal for a second and here comes Sweet T. He flattens the Uso and goes for the pin but the Uso kicks out. Brodus helps the ladies from 3MB out of the ring and then squashes them. Sweet T goes for the pin but his opponent kicks out. The Usos double team him again and score the win. Winners: The Usos
Here comes the Shield and my inner fangirl. They stand in the audience and hold up their titles. Suck on that Usos, because you are not worthy of the titles. Why you ask, I’m sorry but I don’t support people who continuously get DUIs.
Paul Heyman aka Mr. Walrus Fucker comes out to address the controversy of Brock “Cowfucker” Lesnar attacking Punk last week. He says for the past week that he has ignored Punk’s repeated text and phone calls. He says that he is ready to give answers. Heyman gives a longwinded answer and tells Punk he loves him and that they are best friends. They hug it out but I don’t trust Heyman as far as I could throw him.
Darren Young vs. CM Punk—Hey a fresh match! The match starts off with Punk slamming Young to the mat. Young powers to his feet and they were trading blows until Punk dominates him. Punk suplexes him and then goes for the pin but Young kicks out. Punk is working on the left leg of Young and then slams him down again. Young mounts a comeback and flings Punk into the corner. He stomps Punk while Titus O’Neil cheers him on. Young goes for the pin but Punk kicks out. Young has him in the reverse chin lock and Punk powers to his feet and is fighting out. Young slams Punk down and goes for another pin but Punk kicks out. He does a knee drop to Punk’s face and Punk is fighting back. Young goes for another pin but Punk kicks out. Young knees him in the head repeatedly until he goes for the side headlock. Punk gets to his feet and slams Young backwards. He delivers a high running knee and goes for the pin but Young kicks out. Punk goes to the top rope but Young attacks him. Punk launches himself off the top rope and goes for a clothesline. He goes for the pin but Young kicks out. Punk goes for the GTS but Young counters. Young nails him with his finisher and goes for the pin but Punk kicks out before three. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vise and Young kicks out immediately. Winner: Punk
Titus O’Neil attacks Punk and here comes Darren Young. Here comes Curtis Axel to save Punk’s ass. What the fucking hell is this? Heyman says they did the right thing and Punk is confused about this. Heyman ushers Baby Brawny Man out of the ring.
Vickie G. is on the phone yelling at Brad Maddox when Stephanie comes into ask about the MITB participants. Stephanie says she will make the announcement much to the relief of Vickie G. The Bella Twits come out to hand out magazines. Here comes Queen Stephanie to make the announcement for the ladder match at MITB. They are: CM Punk, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus, Randy Orton, Christian, Rob Van Dam and Kane. Brad Maddox and Vickie are once again shown arguing and here comes Ryback snorting and bitching about Payback. He demands that they cancel the match between Cena and Mark Henry and give him the rematch with Cena. Here comes Jericho to put Ryback in his place. They have a brief war of words while Maddox wusses out on interrupting them. Least Vickie G. has the balls to interrupt them and she makes the match between the two at MITB.
Punk is confronting Heyman in the locker room. Punk is adamant that he doesn’t want Heyman or his clients help. Heyman says he went to Vickie G. and made things right, he has a match made with Punk and Axel taking on The Prime Time Players next week on RAW. Punk says he will do it, then he will go after Lesnar and then go on to win the MITB match.
Mark Henry comes out to address his actions from last week. He says that he doesn’t regret using people in his devious scheme. He says that Hollywood is after him for his wonderful acting skills but he doesn’t want that he wants the WWE title. He goes on to say that he will not apologize for his actions.
Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan—The stipulation for this match is a street fight. The match starts off with both men slugging it out. DB gets the upper hand until Orton slams his head into the turnbuckle. The fight goes to the outside of the ring with both men trying to kill each other. I’m sorry but zero fucks are given about this match. I take that back since Orton used a chair to knock the shit out of Daniel Bryan. Is Marshmallow Fluff Orton getting a backbone? Back from commercial and Orton is in charge. He grabs a table, dude you’re wasting time. DB isn’t playing as he punches Orton, Fluff comes back with a headbutt and then drops Scraggly on the top rope. He sets up the table and pulls Scraggly up by the hair. DB mounts a comeback and takes Orton down with a clothesline. He dropkicks Orton in the corner and starts kicking the sweetness out of him. Once again Orton uses the chair. He goes for the pin but DB kicks out. Orton uses the ropes to choke DB and he tries to suplex DB over the ropes and into the table. DB counters and tries to kick Orton off the ropes but Orton hangs on. DB then powerbombs him thru the table. He tosses Orton into the ring and goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. DB brings in a kendo stick. After trading blows, DB has the No Lock locked in and Orton grabs the kendo stick and pummels DB with it. Orton gets to his feet and beats DB with it. He goes for the DDT from the second rope and it connects. Orton is taking too much time playing to the crowd. He goes for the RKO but DB backslides and Orton kicks out. DB is nailing Orton with the kendo stick. DB has the NO Lock locked in once more and Orton grabs the kendo stick. DB takes the Kendo stick and uses it to his advantage and Orton taps. Winner: DB
Match of the night—This honor goes to Chris Jericho and ADR. Their match was action packed and quite frankly the only match that had me glued to the edge of the seat.
WTF Moments—The Shield should have had a fucking match. Also turning Orton into a neutered version of his past self is not impressing me. Yes I get it that DB is a great wrestler but I think Orton is better.
In closing, I thought the show could have been a helluva lot better. I give it a C- based on the fact that we only got to see the Shield for ten seconds, no Wyatt family debut and Orton has turned into a giant pussy. Get it together WWE. Make sure you all check out http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-shark-attack-live. We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow.