Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 05/27/13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I will break down each segment and match on RAW. We are live from Calgary, Alberta, Canada and it’s Bret Hart appreciation night. On commentary tonight we have the talented duo of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. They are unfortunately joined by JBL. I’m sorry but every time JBL speaks I want to smack him until he stops. Also before this review gets out of hand with snarky and mean comments, I want to take to the time to say thank you to the United States Military. The WWE always does a good job showing tribute to the troops.

John Cena comes out to address Ryshrek. Gee Cena, the past shows were better without your whining ass being there. Lot of booing for Cena, which shows me that Canada has great taste. I can think of at least three other superstars who deserve the WWE title more than Cena. Here’s my list: Orton, Jericho, and Ambrose. Every time he talks, I swear all I hear is donkeys braying. We learn that his match with Ryback and Payback will be Three Stages of Hell. I’m pretty sure Stage 1 will be a John Cena promo, Stage 2 will be a Ryshrek promo and Stage 3 will be them square dancing around the ring. Turns out I was wrong, Stage 1 will be a lumberjack match, Stage 2 will be a table match and Stage 3 will be the ambulance match. Yeah, I think I prefer my version of the match. Here comes Ryshrek to either beat the stuffing out of Cena or cut another lackluster promo. The only Ryback Rule should be that Ryback should never speak. Here comes Paul Heyman to confront Cena. Just go away you Turkey Titted Twinkie, no one wants to hear you or hear from the Brawny Man clone Curtis Axel. They challenge John Cena to a fight later tonight. I’m not impressed with the new gimmick of Curtis Axel, sorry but you cannot just polish a turd and try to convince everyone it’s a diamond. Just because you come from a wrestling family doesn’t mean you will have their talent. John accepts their challenge.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E Langston—Big E is accompanied to the ring by AJ. The match starts off with Big Boob E dominating until ADR gets in a dropkick. Big E goes charging at ADR but ADR pulls down the top rope and Big E goes flying over the top rope. ADR goes flying at him but Big E drops ADR face first on the steel steps. Can Big E get a big pair of pants? Big E is delivering a series of backbreakers on ADR. He goes for the pin but ADR kicks out. Big E goes charging at ADR but ADR moves once again and Big E’s big shoulder meets the ring post. ADR is mounting a comeback. He delivers the Backstabber, he then kicks Big E in the face. He goes for the pin but Big E kicks out. ADR is going for the Cross Arm Breaker but Big E counters with a belly to belly suplex. Holy shit ADR is on fire. AJ exposes the top turnbuckle, why isn’t she ejected from ringside? ADR has the Cross Arm Breaker locked in but Big E powers out. ADR uses the exposed turnbuckle to his advantage and scores the win. Winner: ADR After the match AJ is screaming at Big E. Bitch sit down and shut the fuck up. Helping him would have been tossing him brass knuckles or putting his foot on the ropes. What you did was stupid as fuck.

Kane is shown trying to talk some sense into Daniel Bryan. Can this shit be over? DB’s bruised and battered ego is starting to get lame. They are in the middle of having a hissy fit but Bret Hart interrupts them. He tells them to calm their tits and to remain focused. I think they need Dr. Shelby again.

Dean Ambrose vs. Kofi Kingston—Oh hells yeah. Dear WWE, when you have a match that has Dean Ambrose or any member of the Shield, DO NOT SHOW RECAPS THAT DO NOT INVOLVE THEM. This is why I’m starting to dislike Curtis Axel. Y’all are going to shove that twit down our throats until we hate him. The match starts off with a lockup and Ambrose puts Kofi in the corner. Kofi goes for a quick pin but Ambrose kicks out. C’mon Ambrose kick Kingston’s ass. Dean is fucking quick as fuck. He dodged the Trouble In Paradise kick. He goes outside the ring and is taking a moment to trash talk Kofi. Back from commercial and Ambrose is in control. He takes Kofi down with a clothesline and follows it up with a stomp. He goes for the pin but Kofi kicks out. Kofi sends Ambrose flying into the ring post and goes for the pin but Ambrose kicks out. Kofi delivers a sweet cross body, he goes for the pin but Ambrose kicks out. They keep trying to counter each other’s pins but come on guys man up and fight. Kofi hits SOS and goes for the pin but Ambrose kicks out. Kofi kicks Ambrose out of the ring and now both men are in the ring. Kofi goes for another pin but Ambrose kicks out. Dean taps into his inner psychotic side and causes Kofi to smash into the steel steps. He plants Kofi with one fucking sweet DDT. He scores the win. Winner: Dean Ambrose

Team Hell No vs. The Shield—The fight breaks out before the match starts. Back from commercial and the match is underway with Rollins and Reigns working over Daniel Bryan. DB regains control and is kicking the stuffing out of Rollins before tagging in Kane. Kane slams Rollins down and goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out at 2. Here comes DB, fresh off the tag and Team Hell No works over Rollins. DB goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out. Kane tags himself in and delivers a sweet right hand to Rollins. Rollins fights out his way out of a chokeslam and kicks Kane in the head. Here comes Reigns to kick ass. The Shield work nicely with one another. Reigns then tags in Rollins and he works over Kane in their corner. Kane fights back and suplexes Rollins. Rollins tags in Reigns and Reigns locks in a side headlock. Kane fight his way to his feet. Reigns slams him down and goes for the pin but Kane kicks out. Reigns tags in Rollins and Kane takes him down with a clothesline. DB comes in off of the tag and knocks down Reigns. He is kicking ass and taking names. He goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out. He starts kicking Rollins again and goes for another pin but Rollins kicks out. DB is going to the top rope but he gets dropped on his nuts. Rollins goes for a superplex but DB counters. DB nails him with a superplex and both men are down. Back from commercial and Reigns is in the match.  He and DB are battling it out. Reigns plants DB and goes for the pin but DB kicks out. Here comes Rollins and he is fucking all over the place. He goes for the pin but DB kicks out. Seth uses DB as a footstool and then uses DB as a surfboard. DB counters out of it and Rollins takes him down. Reigns comes back in and is working on methodically destroying DB. Here comes Rollins and he is beating the squirrel family out of DB’s beard. Rollins plants DB’s face into the turnbuckle and Rollins goes for the pin but DB kicks out. Here comes Reigns and he is squeezing DB into submission. DB fights his way out of it and takes down Reigns. Both men tag in their partners and Kane is dropping Rollins all over the place. He goes for the pin but Reigns interferes. DB takes out Reigns and himself with the flying goat head maneuver. DB is fighting Reigns outside the ring. He goes to launch himself at Reigns but Reigns catches him and plants him on the floor. Rollins hits Kane with a knee to the side of the head and scores the win. Winners: The Shield

We learn more about Triple H’s condition from last week. He needs to rest and that his neurological tests came back fine.

Wade Barrett vs. Fandango—The Miz is special guest referee. The match starts off with a lockup and zero fucks are given about this match. Why you ask? Great question, the WWE still hasn’t figured out how to use Barrett. Is he a bare knuckle brawler or is he a wussy that wears a coat with a flower? Make up your ever loving minds. Miz and Barrett are having a battle of the words. Fanskittleo is blinding us with his pants as he chops Barrett. He takes down Barrett but Barrett is fighting back. Barrett goes for the pin but Fanidioto kicks out. Barrett has Fansimpleo on the ropes and Miz breaks it up. Barrett being the moronic twit, he is shoves the referee out of the way. He kicks Fandungo out of the ring and the Miz puts Barrett into the SCF. Fandango pins Wade Barrett. While Fandingo is celebrating with Summer Rae, Miz kicks him which causes Summer Rae to fall on him. Miz counts to three and declares her a winner. Winner: Fandango

Shawn Michaels is trying to talk sense into John ‘Howdy Doody’ Cena. He is trying to tell him that he shouldn’t fight Ryback in 3 layers of hell match.

Tons of Funk/Great Khali vs. 3MB—We learn that this travesty of a match was made because 3MB was acting like little bitches who didn’t get invited to the cool party. They slam Natalya’s birthday cake in Hornswoggle’s face. McIntyre and Khali start it off. Khali chops Drew in the chest repeatedly. Khali tags in Tensai. Tensai launches him like a bowling ball at Drew. Drew’s version of the Spice Girls interfere and here comes Jinder Mahal to take on Tensai. Jinder tags in Scary Wendy Spice who goes for the pin on Sweet T. Sweet T tags in Brodus Clay. Clay is tossing Wendy Spice around like a raggedy busted doll. He goes for the pin but Wendy kicks out. A fight breaks out in the ring between all six men. Khali knocks Wendy out and Brodus splashes down on him. Winners: Tons of Funk and Khali Great Khali leads everyone into singing Happy Birthday to Natalya.

Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho. His special guest is Paul ‘Pastry Fucker’ Heyman or did he change his name to Paul ‘all my clients are Troglodytes’ Heyman? He walks like a walrus is shoved up his ass. I bet his blood type is marshmallow fluff. Heyman if you think Curtis Axel and Brock Lesnar are talented, then sir you need to have your head examined. I swear he purred when he said Bork Lazer’s name. Jericho wants to talk about CM Punk. A recap is shown of Punk’s last night in the WWE. Did Heyman lose his way with words? Heyman announces that he and Punk will have a major announcement to make in a few weeks. Jericho is not impressed. We learn that Punk is watching from home. Jericho challenges him to a fight at Payback. Everytime Jericho tries to say that he is the Best in the World, Heyman screams like he is passing a kidney stone. Oh Heyman, don’t make that duck face, someone might mistake you for a gigantic duck and shoot you. Heyman accepts the challenge on the behalf for CM Punk.

Natalya/Kaitlyn vs. The Bella Twins—Oh I long for the days when those two duck faced bitches were gone. Kaitlyn starts off with one of the Bella Whores. Kaitlyn powers out of the Bella twins hold. Kaitlyn tries to help the hoe back in the ring but gets pulled off of the apron for her help. So if the others divas want to get pushed should they date Cena as well? Kailtyn powers to her feet once more but the Twit knocks her down. The Bella Twit goes face first in the turnbuckle and here comes Natalya to take down a bitch. Nattie has the Sharpshooter locked in but the other slut comes in. Kaitlyn spears her and gets pushed out of the ring by the other hoe. Kaitlyn spears her own partner and the Bella Slut pins Natalya. What a fucking waste of a damned divas match. Those hoes are about as relevant as Lindsey Lohan. Why don’t you two go to the back and ‘suck up’ to the bosses.

Axel Curtis is talking to Bret Hart. Hey fucktard Axel, you didn’t do shit to Triple H. You haven’t proven anything yet so don’t get too conceited. I would hate to see someone knock all those rocks out your damned ginormous head. Hart recommends that he dump Heyman. Axel gets offended as the big words seem to confuse him.

Randy Orton/Sheamus vs. Team Rhodes Scholars—Randy and Cody start off the match. OMG there was a reference to Legacy. Swoon. They start off with a lockup before Cody flings Orton into the ropes. I cannot focus on this match due to the idiots on commentary. Hold up y’all cocksucker mother fuckers on commentary, I suggest if you want to go HAM on people then look at yourselves. You fucking morons fuck up more than Lindsey Lohan has failed rehab stints. I suggest you three stop circle jerking each other and focus more on calling the matches. Orton is fighting Sandow and punching the shit out of him. Another beautiful dropkick from Orton. Here comes Rhodes fresh in off the tag. Sorry but I had to mute this match as I really just wanted to beat the shit out of JBL, Cole and Lawler. Sheamus hits White Noise on Sandow: Winners: Orton and Sheamus

Curtis Axel vs. John Cena—I’m bored with this match already. Once again just a reminder that you can polish a turd all you want and try to pass it off as a precious stone but we all know that it is just a fucking turd. Hold on JBL, CM Punk was CM Punk long before Heyman ever stepped into the mother fucking picture, so why don’t you ride off on your unicorn and go off into the night. The match starts off with Axel prancing about. He gets Cena into a side headlock before Cena flings him into the ropes and tosses him to the mat. Someone should advice the Brawny Man wannabe that there aren’t any timeouts in wrestling. If you cannot stand the heat, then maybe your ass better get out of the kitchen. Back from commercial and both idiots are fighting outside the ring.  While Walrus fucker looks on. Cena is laying on the floor counting the lights in the ceiling. He barely makes it in before the referee counts him out. Axel goes for the pin but Super Cena kicks out. Zero fucks are given about these two and their precious main event. I would rather brush Heyman’s hair and then braid it. As usual Cena mounts a comeback because god forbid the dumbass put anyone over. Nice dropkick from Axel. He goes to pin him but Super Selfish Cena kicks out. Keep kicking out of Cena’s pins and he will bury you faster than McMahon will say ‘you’re firrrrred’. An ambulance comes barreling out to the ringside and Cena is getting counted out. Cena cautiously approaches the ambulance, like a chick approaching the results of a pregnancy test. Oh big surprise Ryshrek isn’t there. He nails Cena from behind and throws him off of the ramp. Winner: Curtis Axel

Match of the night—goes to Dean Ambrose and Kofi Kingston. Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins get second place for their match with Team Hell No.

The WTF moments—go to all other segments not involving the Shield. It’s not a victory if the match is stopped or the opponent gets counted out. Holy hell WWE creative stop smoking with Jack Swagger.

In closing I give the show a C-. Please pull your heads out of your asses and work harder. Least I have SmackDown to look forward too. Ambrose vs. Orton, be still my exploding ovaries.  Make sure you all check out http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-shark-attack-live. We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow!

 

 

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