Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw for 05/20/13


Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I break down each segment and match of RAW. Tonight we witness the fallout of Extreme Rules and we find out who Paul Heyman’s newest client is. On commentary we have the wildly unpopular JBL, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. Enough with the punishment and bring back JR.

An ambulance is pulling out to the front of the arena and here comes Ryback or as I refer to him now as Ryshrek. Seriously he looks like he is the love child of Hulk Hogan and Shrek. He is standing on top of the ambulance to bitch about his match with Cena from Extreme Rules. There wasn’t a clear winner of the match and I guess that means we will have to see this feud drag on forever. I’m sorry but Cena couldn’t sell ice cold water to a thirsty man in the desert much less an injury. So my advice to Cena, please take acting lessons. He challenges him to an ambulance match. Seriously I would rather hear JBL and Johnny Ace do commentary. You know why you don’t have anything in common with us, we are more intelligent than your donkey looking ass. We can also speak clearly and not in the Brock Lesnar way of speaking. The only Ryback Rule should be Ryback shouldn’t speak ever again.

Miz/Jericho vs. Wade Barrett/Fandango—This better be a real match and not some hokey dance off shit. The only dancing I want to see in the WWE is some of my favorite wrestlers to do a Magic Mike montage. Summer Rae comes out looking like she skinned Big Bird and here comes Fandippydo looking like a 3 Count reject. We shouldn’t be punished or tortured due to his loud outfits. Please dial it down several notches. Wade Barrett and Jericho start off the match and Barrett puts Jericho in a side headlock. Jericho somehow gains momentum and takes down Barrett. He is chopping Barrett’s chest and Barrett fights back with an elbow to the face. He then tags in FanIneedastylisto. He is punching his rival Jericho and delivers a stomp to the head. Twirling doesn’t belong in wrestling not unless it’s a new version of the airplane spin. Jericho tries to fight back but Fandungo dominates him. He tags in Barrett and they have a slight disagreement. Back from commercial and Barrett is owning the Miz’s ass while Fandango is outside the ring. Miz is showing off his nicely toned aggressive side. Fandango starts to dance, I swear this lame as fuck gimmick needs to end now. Its WRESTLING Not dancing with the Sesame Street characters. Here comes Jericho to take on Barrett. Jericho takes him down with a running bulldog and follows it up with the Lionsault and Code breaker. Here comes Miz and he locks in the Figure Four and Barrett taps out. Winner: Miz and Chris Jericho. Jericho and Miz surround Summer Rae and Fandango and he leaves Summer Rae by herself. She makes googly eyes at Jericho and they dance. He laughs at her as she tries to kiss him or swallow his face.

Vickie G. comes out to bellow about a match she has made between Jack Swagger and the people who download the WWE APP can vote. Its between The Great Khali, R-Truth, and the Viper himself Randy Orton. Every time I hear JBL, I just want to smack the smugness out of him. Next time he badmouths JR and I am in striking distance. You can bet your ass, I’m going to attack.

Daniel Bryan is in the back pouting as Kane comes over to see if he is ready for their match. OMG Kane has a sense of humor. I love it. We learn that Team Hell No gets another rematch with the Shield. As they start bickering Kofi Kingston decides to be the voice of reason.

Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil—Titus is accompanied by his tag team partner Darren Young.  Match starts off with a lockup and Sheamus plants O’Neil into the corner. The referee breaks it up and they go at another lockup again. Titus is dominating Sheamus in this match.  Sheamus knocks O’Neil over the ropes and when he attempts to get in, Sheamus locks him in the ropes and takes him clubbering. He then kicks O’Neil off of the apron. Young tries to interfere but Sheamus annihilates him and O’Neil takes him down. He dumps Sheamus on the ground and he even said a naughty word however they bleeped it. He has Sheamus in the corner and is kicking the Irish out of him. Sheamus tries to come back into the fight but gets an elbow to the face. Sheamus is fighting to his feet and gets slammed down again. O’Neil is taking his anger out on the Celtic Warrior. Sheamus is trying to mount an offense with head butts and a dropkick. Sheamus takes him down with a series of quick moves. He goes for White Noise but O’Neil counters. Young grabs Sheamus’ ankle as he goes to get in the ring. Sheamus goes for White Noise and nails it. He calls for the Brogue Kick and it connects. Winner of the match: Sheamus

Please stop with the Social Media Ambassador. Especially with having lame ass celebrity wannabes, if you want to continue with it then either pick a WWE fan or former WWE talents such as Bruno Sammartino, Iron Shiek (laughing at the thought of his tweets), or a member of the backstage crew. Not the lame as fuck Jonas brothers. Those bitches wouldn’t know wrestling if it bit them on their diaper clad ass.

Paul ‘Twinkie Titted Walrus Fucker’ Heyman is coming out to introduce his new client. He is whiney that the fans are booing him. The only reason why Brock won was because of you, you dumb fucker. He should really watch his fucking tone when talking about Triple H. Also he should do something about the glare coming off of his ginormous head. Since I am in a generous mood, I should suggest that he wax the top of his head so he doesn’t look like a deformed baby duck. His new client is Curtis Axel, formerly known as Michael McGillicutty. Finally they are acknowledging his wrestling heritage. Honestly, I can say that I didn’t see this coming. I’m just happy that it’s not RVD returning. What could they do with RVD? Pair him with Jack Swagger and call them the High High Fliers. Paul Heyman, you deserve a kick in the nuts then shock therapy for bringing in Lesnar. Impress me and make Ted DiBiase a Paul Heyman guy and I will bow down to you. He has the heritage and talent. His name pays homage to his father Curt Henning and his grandfather Larry ‘Ax’ Henning. Here comes Triple H to prove to the world that you should never ever count him out. Keep smirking Walrus, I’m sure Trips would love to knock you back to the Sea World that you escaped from. He insults Curtis Axel and then goes after the Deep Fried Twinkie Titted Walrus man Heyman. Axel tries to get in Trip’s face and gets bitch slapped for it.  That my dears, is the bitch slap heard around the world. Trips schedules a match between him and Axel. He said after he kicks Axel’s ass, he is going for Mr. I’m in need of a hair transplant Heyman.

ADR vs. Big E Langston—Del Rio is accompanied to the ring by Ricardo Rodriguez and Big Boob E is accompanied to the ring by AJ ‘Deadeyes’ Lee. Big E really needs a bigger outfit, I don’t want to see it if he has a wardrobe malfunction. Match starts off with Del Rio going in on Big E. Big E tries to charge at Del Rio but he moves and Big E’s shoulder hits the steel ring post. Del Rio then goes for a cross arm breaker but Big E counters. He picks up Del Rio and slams him down. Del Rio is holding on for dear life. Big E slams Del Rio into the steel ring post shoulder first. He has some submission move on Del Rio but he powers out. Del Rio delivers the Backstabber to Big E and follows it up with a sick kick to the head. Somehow Big E makes it to his feet and tosses Del Rio thru the ropes. Del Rio delivers another brutal kick to the back of Big E’s gigantic head. AJ rolls the bucket across the ring to distract the referee and Big E pokes Del Rio in the eye. He scores the win. Winner: Big E ‘I desperately need bigger Trunks’ Langston

Layla vs. AJ Lee—The match starts off with AJ taking down Layla. She follows it up with a swinging neckbreaker. She goes for the pin but Layla kicks out. She is holding her own against Layla while the Bella Twits chime in with their opinions. Dear Bella Hoes, when we want your opinion we will remove the ball gag from your mouth. Until then don’t speak.  Y’all are the biggest ring rats around so maybe you two shouldn’t cast stones. Layla skips around AJ and starts kicking her when she is in the corner. AJ puts Layla in the Black Widow and forces Layla to tap out. Winner: AJ Lee

Cody Rhodes vs. Zack ‘Always a jobber’ Ryder—Zack you can change your hair, your intro and your style of your tweets but you will always be a JOBBER. Match starts with Ryder twisting Rhodes’ arm and taking him to the ropes. Cody kicks Ryder and is kicking the orange out of him. Cody suplexes him and goes for the pin but Ryder kicks out. Cody telegraphs a move and gets planted face first in the mat. Ryder does a dropkick from the second rope and he calls for the Broski boot and it connects. He goes for the pin but Cody kicks out. Rhodes gets the win with the Disaster Kick: Winner: Cody Rhodes.

Here comes Ryback to knock some sense into Ryder who didn’t have the sense to run like Rhodes did.  He decimates Ryder. Maybe Ryshrek needs a bitch and he chooses Ryder. He loads Ryder into the ambulance or in Ryder’s case a Whambulance.

Team Hell No/Kofi Kingston vs. The Shield—I have a confession to make, I love the Shield. I have a favorite and his name is Dean Ambrose. He is golden on the microphone and in the ring. Kofi and Dean start it off. Kofi goes for a quick cover but Ambrose kicks out. The two men trade bitch slaps and Kofi takes down Ambrose for a pin. Ambrose kicks out.  Kofi tags in DB and he kicks Ambrose. He is dominating Dean.  He goes for the pin but Ambrose kicks out. Dean gets to his corner and tags in Seth Rollins. Seth gets used as a foot stool for DB. DB is kicking the blonde out of Rollins. Here comes Kane. He goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out. This match is what the WWE needed. Can they please have this match every week and on SmackDown too? My words cannot even do this match justice as it is pure fucking magic. The Shield has what it takes to bring the WWE back to the top. Seriously watch the match  as it is truly fucking fantastic. Winners: The Shield

Triple H is shown backstage taping his wrist as one of the trainers comes into say the doctor doesn’t think he should wrestle. Trips responds that if he doesn’t like it he can find employment elsewhere. Trips I love you but please grow your hair back. Your head reminds me of a Sharpei puppy’s body with all those wrinkles.

Kaitlyn and Natalya are talking about Kaitlyn’s secret admirer. Why can’t this story die already? She claims to have the guy’s number and they see Cody Rhodes walking and talking towards them. Natalya grabs Cody and while Kaitlyn grabs his phone. Turns out Cody was posting pictures of himself. Umm ewwww.

Jack Swagger vs. Randy Orton—Orton won hands down. Fuck yeah baby. The punt kick has returned. Back from commercial and the match is underway and Orton gets taken down by Thwaggerleth. Randy bounds to his feet and has Jackass in a side headlock. Swaggerless takes him down again and Orton delivers a beautiful dropkick to Swagger’s ugly ass face. Swagger goes outside the ring and Orton follows him. Orton back drops Swagger onto the barricade. Just stay down Swagger. Orton is dominating the shit out of Swagger. Orton is standing on the ropes punching the weed right out of Swagger. Orton goes for the pin but Swagger kicks out. Swagger kicks him in the knee and takes Orton down. Swagger has him locked in the corner and delivers knees to the midsection of Orton. Orton is taking him down and beating him like the worthless bitch he is. He starts stomping at Swagger’s hands and legs but Orton is favoring his left knee. Swagger takes him down and goes after the left leg of Orton. Orton is trying to punch his way out of it. Swagger goes charging at Orton but Orton helps him over the top rope. Orton goes for a DDT from the apron but Swagger counters by slamming Orton into the barricade. Both men are back in the ring and Swagger is going after Orton’s left leg and Orton powers out. He is throwing punches and head butts. He was going on the top rope but Swagger knocks him to the floor. Back from commercial and Orton is getting his left leg worked on by Swagger. He grabs the ropes and forces Swagger to break the hold. Orton moves out of the way as Swagger charges at him. Swagger runs shoulder first into the ring post.  Orton smashes Swagger into the turnbuckle. Orton superplexes him from the top rope. ORTON! ORTON! ORTON! He goes for the pin but Swagger kicks out. A nice European uppercut from Orton. Swagger takes him down with a belly to belly suplex. He goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Swagger goes for the Swagger bomb but gets a kick to the gut. Orton power slams his ass and then goes for the DDT rom the second rope. Swagger counters and goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Swagger goes for the Patriot Lock but Orton counters. Orton connects the DDT from the second rope and he is going to that psychotic place. He goes for the RKO but Swagger counters and goes for the Patriot Lock. Orton rolls onto his back and is kicking his way out of it. He goes for the ropes but Swagger pulls him back.  Swagger gets kicked out of the ring and comes back in time for an RKO out of nowhere. Orton goes for the pin and wins. Winner: Randy Orton!!! Suck on that Orton haters.

Triple H vs. Curtis Axel—On a serious note can y’all Triple H haters please get off of his dick? He is doing the best he can to put the WWE back on top. I don’t want to hear y’all bitching and moaning that he is burying your favorites. Grow the fuck up. The match starts off with Axel dancing around like an idiot.  Grow a set and strike first. Triple H shows off his aggressive side as he plows him into a corner. He takes him down with vicious clotheslines. He goes for the pin but Axel kicks out. He knocks the Heyman client out of the ring. Axel is showing his offense as he stomps Triple H as he is backed into a corner. Triple H comes back with a series of punches and he gets dropkicked by Axel. I swear Heyman looks like a demented old bitch. Axel is going after the jaw of Triple H. He goes flying from the second rope. He goes for the pin but Trips kicks out.  He has him in a side headlock. Triple H is trying to power his way to his feet and he does. He is delivering shoulder tackles to Axle’s midsection. Nice face plant into your knee. Triple H keeps shaking his head like he is trying to clear his head. He slams Axel’s face into the mat and he gave him enough time to mount an offense. OMG Trips cannot get back into the ring. He asks for a bottle of water and pours it over his head. Triple H falls to his knees and the doctors make him sit down. He said he remembered his intro and that was it. The match is stopped and that is how RAW goes off the air.  There is no winner to this match.

Match of the Night goes to the Shield and Randy Orton. These men put on some tremendous matches. The Shield and Orton have given me hope for the WWE.

The WTF moment goes to Fandango and the ending of RAW. Fandango, please go back to being Johnny Curtis. This flash in a pan gimmick you have will burn out quickly. To creative for ending the show this way. FUCK YOU. You messed with my feelings and made me think that something was really wrong with him. Are you trying to kill me? I would advise against that as I can help you all.

In closing, I give this show an A++. Matches were off the mother fucking hook. Plus I’m in a generous mood as the Shield has some gold around their waists. I’m also happy that we saw the return of the punt kick. Also another reason for an A++ no Super Potato Head Cena. Please check out and call in tonight: Tonight at 10 PM (EST) the number is 347-945-6363!!! Have a good night and a better tomorrow!!!!!!!!!


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