Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 05-13-13


Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I break down each segment and match of RAW. This is the go home week for both RAW and SmackDown for the Extreme Rules PPV. On commentary we have shit talker Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler and the always loud and dumb JBL. JBL should come with a warning that he is past his expiration date and that listening to him will cause bleeding from the ears. We are live from Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Opening the show is the dance off between Fandumbo and Chris Jericho. Jerry Lawler is the MC of this ‘competition’. I cannot decide which boy band Fandingo stole his costume from. Seriously his outfit would cause migraines if you stare long enough. Seriously this gimmick is boring. Jericho comes out with his dance partner, who is actually Edyta Sliwinska from ‘Dancing with the Stars’. Fandango and Summer Rae get to go first and there is a false start but Fandancero gets another shot but Summer Rae goes down with an ankle injury. While Jericho and his dance partner are checking on her, Fandingo attacks Jericho. Turns out after his brutal attack on Jericho, Summer Rae was faking her injury. So far she is a better actress than Kelly. This is a fucking waste of time, its wrestling not a dance competition. By the way Disco Inferno called to tell Johnny Curtis, he wants his look back.

Ryback vs. Zack Ryder—Woo Woo Woo Zack Ryder is about to be brutally squashed. Just fire him already please. Match starts off with Ryback going after Zack. He is throwing down some serious strikes as Ryder is unable to defend himself. Play dead Zack. Ryder tries to mount a comeback but he nearly gets decapitated by the Meat Hook Clothesline. Ryder gets Shellshocked. Winner: Ryback

I feel the need to say this Ryback should not be allowed to talk. He is joined on that list by Brock ‘Squeaky’ Lesnar. Ryback does sound more threatening than Squeakers but a good heel can be silent and still get his point across. Also added to that list is JBL, isn’t there a golf course or a mountain he should be on?

Tensai/Brodus Clay vs. Prime Time Players—Sweet T and Darren Young start off the match. Sweet T launches him at Darren Young. He looked like a human bowling ball as he launched himself at Young. O’Neil gets the tag and is mounting an offense. He goes to charge at Sweet T Tensai but he moves and O’Neil meets the steel post shoulder first. Sweet T tags in Brodus Clay. Clay is throwing him around like a rag doll and takes out Young too. Here is where I have the problem with JBL insulting JR. Keep JR’s name out of your untalented mouth, you washed up moron. JR has more talent in his pinky than you have brains and or talent. So keep insulting JR and look like a bitter old fool who is so blinded by jealousy that it isn’t even funny. Darren Young uses his pick as a weapon and O’Neil gets the win. Winners: PTP

Teddy Long comes out to issue a statement about the WHC title match on Sunday. Dolph ZIggler will not be able to compete. Here comes Zeb ‘Windup Toy’ Colter and Jack ‘Careless’ Swagger to demand that Dolph be stripped of the title and have it handed to Swagger. Umm no sweetie, that isn’t how it works. If you’re Precious wants to be the champion so damn bad, then he is going to have it to earn it. Sorry to break it to you, but I did try to use little words so you and the Caveman can understand it. Here comes AJ and Big E to defend Dolph.  For once I agree with AJ when she says that Swagger should be suspended and or fired. At Extreme Rules it will be Swaggerless vs. Del Rio for a number one contender match. We learn that the WWE universe gets to choose between Del Rio and Swagger for Big E’s opponent. Please stop pushing the WWE app that shit doesn’t work.

Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow—When Damien Sandow goes on his long winded rants, I mute him.  Match starts off with Kofi taking down Sandow and going for a rollup. Sandow kicks out and comes back with a series of knees to Kofi’s gut. Finally a new move, the Side Russian leg sweep and then the Elbow of Disdain. I don’t give a flying fuck what Kofi collects in his spare time, I want wrestling commentary. It’s not the fucking Dating Game. Holy hell you three morons are ruining wrestling for me. Damien has Kofi in some sort of stretch and slams Kofi down. Kofi is mounting a comeback as he delivers a series of moves. He hits the BOOM Drop and misses the Trouble in Paradise move. Sandow takes him down and goes for the pin but Kofi kicks out. Kofi nails him with a kick to the head and wins. Winner: Kofi Kingston

Mark Henry is out in the middle of the ring with his strap. Poor Josh ‘Lil Bitch’ Matthews is out there with him to interview him about his upcoming match with Sheamus at Extreme Rules. Henry makes Matthews put on the strap and drags him around the ring like a broken little doll. Josh, don’t get in the ring with men bigger than you. Just no sweetie. You are too little to take such abuse from them. When he got free and ran from the ring, it reminded me so much of a girl running from a spider. Sorry but it’s true. Mark Henry calls out Sheamus and the Celtic Warrior comes out. He gets a strap of his own and we get a sneak peek of their match coming on Sunday. Both men beat each other with their straps and Sheamus lit Henry’s ass up.  Yeah, sorry guys but I would rather watch Johnny Ace butcher the English language.

Randy Orton vs. Antonio Cesaro—before I talk about this match I want to say something serious to the Randy Orton haters. KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR HATRED TOWARDS HIM. Also thank god we don’t have to hear Cesaro yodel, seriously he sounded like a heard of dying goats. Match starts off with a lockup and Pepperoni Nipples gets Orton in the corner. Orton fights his way out of it. Cesaro takes down Orton but NEVER count out Orton as he takes down Cesaro. Cesaro gets up and puts Orton in the corner. The referee gets in between the two to break it up. Orton gets head butted by Pepperoni Nippled Yodeler. Come on Orton as he fights back. Clothesline after clothesline Orton slams Cesaro down.  Here comes the DDT from the second rope but Cesaro counters and goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. RKO! RKO! RKO! RKO outta nowhere and Orton gets the pin. Winner: Randy Orton

Heath Slater vs. Miz—Finally the MIZ is back!!!!!!!!!! I love his new shirt. Fuck it let’s be honest I love the Miz. I also love Ted DiBiase, Orton and the Shield.  Match starts off with lockup and Slater is trying to take down the Miz. Bitch please get back to being the mascot for Wendy’s and shut the fuck up. You cannot wrestle. Miz is showing why he is one of the best wrestlers today. He gets distracted by the backup idiots that Slater has and catches a kick from Slater. Slater goes for the pin but the Miz kicks out at two. I swear to you all that if I meet JBL, I’m going to smack him with a cowboy hat. You do not INSULT JR. Miz is showing off to the crowd before he launches himself at Slater. He goes for the figure 4 but Wendy Slater grabs the ropes. Wendy goes to the top rope but Miz joins him and is slugging the shit out of him. Mahal tries to interfere but Miz knocks him down and then sends Slater flying into his Spice Girls wannabes. Miz has the Figure 4 locked in and Slater taps. Welcome back Miz. Winner: Miz

Team Hell No/John Cena vs. The Shield—this is an elimination tag match. Dean Ambrose and Kane start off the match. Kane is kicking Ambrose’s ass as he tries to keep him out of the Shield’s corner. Ambrose is punching him but Kane puts Ambrose in the corner and punches him. Here comes DB with a flurry of striking kicks to Ambrose. He is standing on Ambrose’s arm and Ambrose gets up and tags in Rollins. DB tags in Super Idiot Cena. The Golden Boy Cena takes Rollins down and goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out. Back from commercial and Ambrose and DB are in the ring. DB puts Ambrose in the Surfboard submission move and here comes Kane to dropkick Ambrose in the face. He pins Ambrose but Ambrose kicks out at two. Here comes DB again and he somehow finds himself in the Shield’s corner. They are quickly tagging themselves in as they work over DB. Reigns is struggling for control as DB tries to gain momentum. Here comes Ambrose and Rollins to dropkick DB, I love how the Shield works together. Rollins is in the ring and he is doing his damnedest to take down DB. He tags in Rollins and Rollins is quick with the strikes. He goes for the pin but DB kicks out. He is stomping the midsection of DB. DB is back on his feet and takes down Ambrose with a knee. He tags in Kane. Kane is killing Ambrose. That DDT was beautiful. He goes for the pin but Ambrose kicks out. Kane goes to the top rope and clotheslines Ambrose. Rollins comes in to save Ambrose but Kane knocks them both out of the ring. Kane goes to the outside of the ring to take down everyone in the Shield. Kane gets eliminated from the match as he uses the top of the announcer’s booth as a weapon. Back from commercial and Ambrose and Cena are fighting it out. Move over Cena, there is a new superstar in town that should be the face of the WWE and his name is Dean Ambrose. He plants Cena and goes for the pin but Mr. I Cannot Put Anyone else over Cena kicks out. Here comes Reigns and he takes down the Donkey look alike with a super punch. Roman is relentless with the strikes to the back but Cena suplexes him. Here comes Rollins off the top rope with a knee to the face. Rollins goes for the pin but Super Hog kicks out. Rollins is stomping Cena. Rollins is going for the sleeper hold but Cena is trying to power out and make the tag to DB. DB gets the tag and takes out Roman and Dean. He launches himself at Reigns again. DB is on FIRE! He delivers a missile drop kick from the top rope. He goes for the pin but Rollins kicks out. He starts kicking Rollins but the referee breaks it up. DB is going for the NO Lock but Rollins is fighting. He tags in Ambrose. AMBROSE ELIMINATES DANIEL BRYAN. Come on in Potato Head and get your ass kicked by the Shield. Cena is in No Man’s Land as he finds himself in the Shield’s corner. Super Potato Head is using his five moves of Doom to take down Rollins. He eliminates Rollins. Next up is Ambrose. He goes for the AA but Ambrose is holding on to the ropes. Reigns allegedly shoves the referee out of the way and spears the Howdy Doody clone. Reigns gets eliminated for shoving a referee. Ambrose is the last man standing and he goes for the pin but Super Idiot kicks out. Ambrose is slapping the taste out of Cena’s mouth and here come Rollins and Reigns to take down Cena. Cena wins by DQ. Winner: Mr. Potato Head

Ryback comes down to the ring to attack a defenseless Cena. He stands over him for a second and walks away as the crowd chants Goldberg. Hey assholes, Goldberg only knew one move and that was the spear. Ryback knows more moves than Cena and Goldberg combined so kindly get off of his back and educate yourselves. He goes back to the ring after grabbing a steel chair and slams it on Cena’s ‘injured’ ankle. I would have slammed it on his ankle a few more times and then slammed it in his head.

Jack Swagger vs. Big E—Big E is accompanied to the ring by the always skipping AJ. Swagger is accompanied by the Puppet Master, Zeb Colter. Two things I need to say before I can take this match seriously: 1. Big E needs a bigger outfit and 2. Swagger needs to do something with his hair. Match starts off with a lockup and Big E breaks out of it. The way these two are dancing all over the ring they could give Jericho and Fanbitcho dancing lessons. They stare longingly into one another’s eyes before Big E strikes him. Jackass goes for the Patriot Lock but Big E kicks him out of the ring. Jack gets back in and slams Big E down. Can someone please mute JBL? Back from commercial and Big E is slamming Swagger into his massive knee. He goes for the pin but El Dumbass kicks out. Big E has Swagger locked into the corner and is using his shoulder as a battering ram. Big E flings High Times Swagger into the corner and launches himself at him but Swagger moves out of the way and Big E slams shoulder first into the steel ring post. Swagger is punching Big E but Big is showing that he still has fight left in him.  He has Swagger on the top rope and he goes for a suplex from the second rope. Big E goes for the pin but Swagger kicks out. Big E pulls his straps down to show he is an ass kicker or to show off his boobs. Swagger has the Patriot Lock locked in and Big E is going for the ropes. He finally does and Swagger goes flying over the top rope. Big E is standing on the apron and drops down to the floor. He flings Swagger into the barricade as the referee counts them out. Big E goes to charge at Jack but Jack moves out of the way and Big E goes flying over the barricade. He gets counted out. Winner by Count out: Swagger

Here comes Del Rio and Ricardo to attack. When Swagger has the Patriot Lock move locked in on Del Rio, Ricardo throws his bucket at him. Really Ricardo? That hasn’t worked for you before, and I don’t think it ever will. Grab a sledgehammer next time. Del Rio dominates both Big E and Dumbo Swagger.

Natalya vs. AJ—The Bella Twats and Kaitlyn are on commentary as Hornswoggle and The Great Moronic Khali are out to cheer on Natalya. The Bella Twits do not belong out there so they should kick rocks and get to the back so they can tend to their boyfriends. You know the ones who make them relevant. Natalya looks on as AJ tries to skip her way around the ring. Natalya slams her around. As Kaitlyn gets another gift from her mystery man. Sweetie, it doesn’t count if you are buying the gifts for yourself. Save the money and do something nice to your hair.  Natalya is owning the little twerps ass as she plants her in the corner. AJ is holding on to the ropes for dear life until she gets out of the ring. She slaps Natalya and a few moves later Nattie knocks the strumpet out of the ring. Nattie helps her back into the ring and goes to slam her down but AJ locks her Black Widow submission move. Winner: AJ ‘Dead behind the eyes Lee.

Matt Striker is interviewing Jericho about the stunt that Fandungo and Summer Rae pulled. Jericho says that on Sunday that he will dance all over his face at Extreme Rules. Gotta love an angry Chris Jericho.

The confrontation between the real asskicker Triple H and the Squeaky Toy Lesnar is up next. A recap of Brock ‘Severe PMS’ Lesnar’s attack on the office furniture is shown. Somebody better introduce Borkie to some Midol and super strength tampons. I’m sure that will help with his raging hormones and his temper tantrums. As Triple H is in the ring the steel cage is lowered. Borkie Poo comes out with his mouthpiece Paul “I need to change my underwear’ Heyman.  On a serious note where in the hell did Brock’s eyebrows go? Did they take his balls and leave? Triple H verbally rips into Heyman and his client Snaggletooth. Don’t smile Brock, because we don’t want to see you’re jacked up grill. Bork angry, Bork get lost on the way to ring. Bork confused am I man or am I woman. Bork finally gets into the ring and Triple H owns his dumb worthless ass. Oh Dear God Brock wants to show off his phallic tattoo on his chest. Please no. He sends the worthless bitch flying across the cage; this knocks Heyman onto the floor. Brock seems confused as to whether he wants another round of getting his ass handed to him or taking Heyman who clearly has the balls and run to the back. He helps up Heyman and walks off like a child who lost their smile.

Match of the night goes to Randy Orton, The Shield, and the Miz. These men truly put on some great matches.

The WTF moment goes to JBL. Keep your ignorant mouth shut, you fucking moronic twit. Are you that fucking jealous and bitter that you don’t possess one ounce of the talent and heart that JR has for the company? If you aren’t happy being out there then kindly fucking leave. You are so fucking horrible that you make Tazz and Mike Adamle look supremely talented. I give the show an A- due to the matches of the night. Make sure you all check out This week, special airing time. We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10 pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow.

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