Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 4/29/13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I breakdown each segment and match of RAW. At the end of the review, I will honor one match with Match of the Night and one segment/match will receive a WTF moment. Tonight we are live from Columbus, Ohio. On commentary tonight we have Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and the obnoxiously loud JBL.

Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Zeb Colter vs. Big E—the winner of this triple threat match will get to pick the stipulation for their counterparts match at Extreme Rules. Zeb Colter gets out of the ring to let Big E and Ricardo fight it out. Big E does a shoulder tackle on Ricardo before delivering a clubbing forearm against Ricardo’s chest. Ricardo is proving that he will not just sit at take it as he slaps, punches and kicks at Big E. Big E scoops him up and does three big slams against his knee. Big E is stalking Ricardo and backs him into the corner and delivers a series of punches to his midsection. Big E makes it look like he is going after Zeb but decides to spear Ricardo who is still in the corner. He throws him around the ring and into Zeb Colter’s corner, Zeb hits Ricardo while he moves out of the way as Big E charges at him. Big E goes crashing into the steel ring post shoulder first. Ricardo follows it up with a flurry of punches and kicks. Here comes Zeb to hit Big E. Too much time is wasted as Ricardo and Zeb flirt with each other in the middle of the ring. In a triple threat match you never take your eye off of the third man. Especially as Big E gets to his feet and clotheslines Ricardo. Now Big E and Zeb are working together to take down Ricardo. Colter goes down screaming about his knee. I’ve seen better acting from Jessica Simpson. Alberto Del Rio passes Ricardo their metal bucket so he can use it as a weapon. Ricardo clubs Big E in the back with his bucket. He even bounced it off of Big E’s head. For once I agree with JBL, that was a dumb move. Big E delivers a belly to belly suplex and goes to do his finisher move but ADR comes in and kicks him in the head. Here comes Ziggler and Swagger to cause mayhem. Big E takes himself out of the equation for a bit as he takes out Swagger. Zeb Colter goes for the pin and would have had it if AJ hadn’t gotten in the ring and grabbed the referee’s arm. While Colter is screaming at the ref, Ricardo rolls him up for the win. Winner of the match: Ricardo Rodriguez

This is the one time I will give props to John Cena. He granted a child’s wish and invited the child and his family to be his special guests for tonights RAW. Thank you Cena for making him super happy on World’s Wish Day. Before I catch heat for giving Cena props, I commend him for his work with the Make A Wish Foundation. I DO NOT RESPECT HIM FOR BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE FOR HIS ACTIONS.

Randy Orton vs. Cody Rhodes—I miss Legacy. They should reform with Ted DiBiase and take on the Shield. On a side note, people should never compare Legacy to the Shield or 3MB. If you do that in front of me, let’s just say you will receive a much needed asskicking. The match starts up with a lock up and Orton takes Rhodes down. He follows up with a shoulder block. Cody gets Orton in the side headlock but Orton fights out of it. Holy catnip my boy Orton is taking it to Rhodes.  Cody has a lock on Randy’s wrist and backs him into a corner. A Ted DiBiase reference was made. So the WWE does remember who he is. Orton knocks Rhodes over the top rope and when Cody comes back in Orton drop kicks him. He helps him up and delivers another drop kick. He goes for the pin but Rhodes kicks out. Orton delivers an uppercut to Rhodes. Randy gets on the second rope and delivers punches to Rhodes. He follows up with another uppercut. He keeps stomping on Rhodes. Rhodes counters and shoves Orton in the corner. He then stomps Orton and follows up with a flurry of punches. He goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Orton delivers a suplex and goes for the pin but Rhodes kicks out. He stomps Rhodes over and over again. He goes for the pin but once again Rhodes kicks out. Rhodes gets in a drop kick and goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Rhodes is delivering stomps to Orton and then whips him into the corner. The fight goes to the outside of the ring and Randy delivers a big boot to Rhodes. He helps Cody into the ring and goes for the DDT from the second rope but Cody counters. Orton goes for the RKO but Rhodes counters with a block. Back from commercial and Rhodes hits the Disaster Kick on Orton which knocks Orton off of the apron. Rhodes assists him back in the ring and goes for the cover but Orton kicks out. Rhodes is showing off his aggressive side. He has the chin lock move locked in and Orton is working his way to his feet. Rhodes delivers a punch to Orton’s face and knocks him off of his feet. He stomps Orton’s midsection before driving his knee home. Rhodes goes from the top rope to an elbow drop to the back of the head. He goes for the pin attempt but Orton kicks out. While Rhodes is going to the top rope, Orton is making his way to his feet and Orton pulls him down. OH FUCK A superplex from the top rope. Orton goes for the pin but Rhodes kicks out.  A power slam from Orton before going to his happy place. Now he hits the DDT from the second rope and nails it. He goes to the psychotic place and pounds the mat and Cody counters with the Cross-Rhodes. He goes for the pin but Orton kicks out. Cody is slapping himself. As he should for that ridiculous and creepy mustache. He goes for the disaster kick but Orton counters with the RKO out of nowhere and pins Rhodes. Winner of the match: Randy Orton

Matt Striker interviews Orton. He keeps bringing up the Big Show incident. He asks Orton if he is haunted by Show knocking him out. Orton says it fuels him and makes him feel Extreme. Rhodes tries to attack from behind but Orton RKOs him.

The Bella Twins are shown stretching in the back and talking about their future show on the E! Network. Tricks please sit down and shut the fuck up. Nobody in their right mind wants to be a Bella Twit. Please get over yourselves. The only reason you two are relevant is because of your boyfriends.

Brie Bella vs. Naomi—Match starts off with a lockup, Brie stomps on Naomi’s foot and follows it up with a push. She slams Naomi down but Naomi is fighting to take her down. Naomi kicks her out of the ring. The Bella Twats do their twin magic and score the win. Cameron tells the referee what happened and he reverses the decision. Naomi wins via DQ. Here comes the twits to attack Cameron and Naomi.

The Shield is out to talk about them destroying the Undertaker. Oh how I love the Shield, they are cocky and arrogant but it works for them. They back up what they say.  They run down their list of opponents that they have taken down. What they did to the Undertaker on Friday was EPIC. Here comes 3MB to interrupt. Y’all need to take your clown asses to the back and learn your role. They challenged the Shield to a match. I cannot breathe from laughing so hard when they said they are going to fight the Shield. The Shield is beating some sense into the three morons when Team Hell No comes out. The Shield leaves the ring. Daniel Bryan and Kane are beating the shit out of Heath Slater and his two cohorts.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston—the match starts off with a lockup and ZIggler twisting Kofi’s arm. Kofi counters until Dolph blocks. Kofi takes him down with a Russian leg sweep and follows it up with a kick to the face. Dolph is striking back and has Kofi with a side headlock until Kofi gets to his feet. Kofi takes him down an elbow to the face and Kofi hits him with the SOS. Dolph kicks Kofi off the apron. Back from commercial and Dolph is in charge, don’t count Kofi out as he fights out. Ziggler throws him into the corner and lands a splash. Dear Dolph Ziggler, you work for the WWE not a damn strip club. So save your gyrating pelvis for someone else. Ziggler goes to fly at Kofi in the corner but Kofi moves out of the way. They are trading blows before Kofi starts kicking and throwing elbows. Here comes a drop kick from Kofi  and a flying clothesline. Here comes the BOOM drop and he is setting it up for Trouble in Paradise but Ziggler ducks and hits Kofi with a massive DDT. Ziggler goes for the pin but Kingston kicks out. Kofi hits SOS and goes for the pin but Zigglypuff kicks out. Ziggler goes for the Zig Zag but Kofi hits him with Trouble in Paradise. He goes for the pin but AJ puts his leg on the ropes. Big E pulls Dolph out of the ring and is trying to shake him awake. Kofi launches himself at them both and takes them both down. Kofi throws Dolph into the ring and goes to the top rope and hits him with a crossbody. He goes for the pin but Dolph kicks out. AJ as usual has to stick her fucking nose where it doesn’t belong so Big E can get involved.  Dolph rolls Kofi up for the pin but Kofi counters with a rollup of his own. He sends Ziggler flying into the turnbuckle and goes to the top rope but Ziggler moves. Ziggler hits him with a Zig Zag. Winner of the Match: AJ and Big E. They won it for the dumbass who apparently cannot win on his own. Big E takes Kofi out.

Ziggler and his assistants are shown backstage gloating. AJ runs into Kaitlyn and Natalya and there is a war of words from AJ and Kaitlyn. Someone hands Kaitlyn a studded baseball cap. The gift is from a secret admirer. The horrified look on JBL’s face sums it up.

Vickie G. and Brad Maddox are shown in their office talking when Ryback strolls in and declares that Cena is leaving him alone to face the Shield for the last time. She tries to make it a six man tag match, Team Hell No and Ryback vs. The Shield but he says no.  Dear Brad Maddox, please take acting lessons.

Jack Swagger vs. Zack Ryder—Just when I got the giggles under control, here they come again. Ryder has them replay Colter’s match from earlier. Jack is taking it to Ryder who is in the corner. He nearly takes off Ryder’s head with a meat hook clothesline. He is working on Ryder’s left arm before delivering a knee to the midsection. Ryder showing signs of life as he fights with Swagger. Swagger takes him down again and is working on breaking Ryder’s leg. He slams Ryder to the ground and goes for two Swagger bombs. Is Swagger bombs where you smoke weed and drink and drive? Swagger starts yelling and then does another Swagger bomb but Ryder counters with a boot to the face. Ryder kicks him in the midsection and tosses Swagger over the top rope and then follows it up with a baseball slide. Swagger comes with a gut wrench and goes for the Patriot Lock: Winner of the Match is Jack Thwagger.

Mark Henry comes out to prove that he is the strongest man in the world. He says that he asked Vickie G. for two opponents. Here comes Tensai and they have a Tug O’War contest. What the fucking fuck is this shit. This is wrestling not a fucking schoolyard. Mark Henry pulls Tensai over the red line and wins. Here comes Brodus Clay to take on Mark Henry. Mark Henry wins. What’s next a hopscotch contest? Here comes Sheamus to challenge Mark Henry but Mark Henry is shaking his head no before Sheamus taunts him into saying yes. Sheamus is actually pulling Sheamus before reversing it. Sheamus let go and then follows it up with the Big Boot.

Team Hell No is in the office with Brad Maddox and Vickie G. Kane says they are better off without Ryback. Bryan says they want the match no matter what. Vickie whispers something in his ear. Brad Maddox is in Super Cena’s locker room and Cena tells him to tell Vickie that he will partner will Team Hell No. Maddox slinks off like a wounded Care Bear.

ADR vs. Antonio Cesaro—Match starts off with a lockup and ADR gets Cesaro in the corner. Cesaro has a wrist lock on ADR until he counters. ADR does a shoulder tackle on the yodeler and goes for the pin but Cesaro kicks out. Del Rio delivers a sweet kick to Cesaro’s left arm. He is working on the left arm so he can do the Cross Arm Breaker later. I’m sorry but this match is boring as fuck. The moves are choppy until Del Rio hits the Hurricanranna. He follows it up with a series of kidney shots and then hits the Backstabber. He goes for the Cross Arm Breaker but Cesaro blocks and gets out of the ring. Back from commercial and Cesaro is in control with a chin lock. Del Rio is struggling to his feet and he goes for a roll up but Cesaro kicks out. Cesaro does a belly to back suplex and delivers a European uppercut. He goes for the pin but Del Rio kicks out. Cesaro flings Del Rio into the corner and then slams him down on the mat as Del Rio is punching him in the face. Cesaro is delivering uppercut after uppercut until Del Rio kicks him and delivers a back breaker.  He goes to kick Cesaro but he turns into a pin but Del Rio kicks out. Del Rio does a German Suplex and goes for a pin. Del Rio on the top rope but he gets caught with an uppercut. Cesaro goes for the pin but Del Rio kicks out. Cesaro charges and introduces his shoulder to the ring post. Del Rio kicks him in the face and goes for the pin but Cesaro kicks out. He finally has the cross arm breaker locked in and Cesaro taps. Winner of the match is Del Rio. Del Rio has the microphone and announces his stipulation for the match at Extreme Rules. It’s a ladder match.

A dance off between Summer Rae/Fandango and Natalya and Great Khali. Thank God I wasn’t there last night I would have left. Khali and Nataly are dancing first and I think I’m trapped in hell watching this. Natalya deserves way better than this treatment. Fandango and Summer Rae are up next and they nail the dance. The WWE Universe gets to decide the winner and they choose Great Khali and Natalya. Fandango doesn’t like this as he attacks Khali from behind.

John Cena/Team Hell No vs. The Shield—a fight breaks out between all six men.  Kane and Ambrose start off the match when the bell rings. Rollins is screaming for Ambrose to get out of there. How in the fuck is he supposed to do that when Kane is holding him? Finally Ambrose gets to tag in Reigns. Kane is delivering huge right hands to Reign’s face. Somehow the Shield gets Kane locked in their corner and here comes Rollins. Kane catches Rollins with a huge boot to the face. Rollins is now in the corner where he doesn’t want to be. Cena tags himself in (as if to say I’m Super Cena). He slams Rollins to the ground and Ambrose comes in, here comes Daniel Bryan to take on Ambrose. Lots of action in this match but for the life of me I cannot get into it. So Roman Reigns wins over Super Cena. If Cena’s ankle was really injured, then where are the crutches? You wouldn’t be able to wrestle with that kind of injury even if you were Superman.

Match of the night goes to Randy Orton and Cody Rhodes. That match was fucking fantastic.

The WTF moment goes to Brad Maddox, Jerry Lawler, JBL, the dance off and the tug of war contests. Brad Maddox absolutely fucking sucks in his role and he really needs to take acting lessons or kick rocks. Jerry Lawler its wrestling not a fucking long ass commercial for Dominos. JBL please shut your fucking ignorant mouth when talking about JR. JR is clearly more talent and charismatic then you are. You are so fucking jealous of him and it’s not even funny. So do us a huge favor and go back to whatever fucking hole you climbed out of. Now for the dance off and tug of war competition, it’s fucking wrestling not the playground of some school nor is it dancing with the Fucking Stars. Just give us wrestling, it’s not that fucking hard.

In closing, tonight’s show sucked massive donkey balls. The only match you didn’t screw up was Randy Orton’s or Reigns getting the clean win over Super Cena. SO WWE creative team, here’s a challenge for you, pull your fucking heads out of your dumbasses and get your shit together. .  Make sure you all check out: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-shark-attack-live. Special episode this week as Mayernation will be cohosting the show and there will be a special guest Eric Tapout from PWS. We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow!

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