Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 04-15-13


Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I breakdown each match and segment of RAW. Here at Mayer Nation we want to take a moment and send condolences and prayers to those that were affected by the tragedy in Boston. Tonight’s column is dedicated to the heroes and to the fallen.  Tonight we are live from Greenville South Carolina. On commentary we have the usually talkative Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole and JBL.

Randy Orton/Sheamus vs. Big Show—Sheamus starts off the match with the Big Show. He goes to lock up with the giant crybaby. And delivers a flurry of punches and kicks. Big Show scoops up Sheamus and delivers a brutal sidewalk slam. Sheamus takes Big Show clubbering and he tries to knock out the Celtic Warrior but he dodges. He goes for the Brogue Kick but misses and gets knocked out of the ring by Big Show. Hey JBL why don’t you get in the ring if you can do better? Sheamus gets in the ring and gets chopped by the cranky giant.  He goes for the pin but Orton comes into interrupt the count. Sheamus shows why you should never count him out as he gets to his feet and gets some offense in, he was doing well until he got slammed down again. Another kick out at 2 and Big Show is going to the top rope but Sheamus is going to slam him down. Orton comes in and holy fuck is he delivering punches right and left. He throws in a huge dropkick and then follows up with a DDT from the TOP ROPE. He slams the mat and goes for the RKO out of nowhere but gets caught by Show. Sheamus comes in to make the save and Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere. Orton gets the win.

A recap of 3MB and the Shield going after Triple H. That’s why I believe in the Shield they took out 3MB. Josh Matthews has the unfortunate luck of interviewing 3MB and Heath Slater says they are going to call out the Shield. Now if only the Shield would destroy them and then go after JBL. I would be a happy wrestling fan. 3MB are in the ring calling them out. Oh shit Heath Slater, who did you piss off? Demanding a handwritten apology from the Shield, oh how the Chosen One has fallen. The crowd is chanting you suck as Brock Lesnar’s music hits.  Brock looks pissed well that is if a robot can look pissed. He throws Heath Slater over the top rope as Drew and Jinder try to attack him. He destroys them and Heath Slater tries to run away but Lesnar hits him with a massive clothesline. He delivers an F5 and SLAMS Slater onto the barricade. He does it again and Heyman is saying that’s enough. The crowd is chanting one more time and I am agreeing with them. This is the one time I will cheer for Lesnar. Dammit he didn’t do it. They are bitching about the WM 29 match with Triple H. This crowd is cheering for Triple H. Hollow victory my ass. Triple H won fair and square so that no necked, no eyebrow having, cow fucking idiot needs to leave the WWE. Looks like we are having another Triple H versus Lesnar in a steel cage match at Extreme Rules. Yeah Brock Lesnar belongs in a cage, preferably one at a zoo. What in the hell does Lesnar bring to the table? Before you even say that he is an asskicker just remember that the dumbass is a part-timer who cannot handle a full schedule. He needs to go before he gets his ass beat so bad that he curls up in a ball and screams like a little bitch. Just go before Triple H beats you so bad you are forced to retire. On second thought I want to see that happen. You are the one who set up the stipulations and you still lost you weak ass pussy.

Kofi Kingston vs. Antonio Cesaro—I would rather listen to Cesaro yodel for three hours straight then to hear JBL on commentary. Kofi goes for a quick pin but Cesaro counters.  Nice shoulder block from Cesaro and Kofi goes for a back slide. Let’s go Kofi. The sheer strength of Cesaro is impressive but I still don’t like him.  Kofi delivers the BOOM drop and goes to follow up with Trouble in Paradise and Cesaro delivers a sweet uppercut. He goes for the pin but Kofi kicks out. Back from commercial and Cesaro has Kingston in the corner and he is grinding his boots in Kofi’s face. He then follows up with a head butt. Kofi goes for a pin but Cesaro gets to the ropes. Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise and knocks Cesaro out of the ring. He gets him in the ring and goes for the pin, the champ kicks out. Kofi goes for the top rope and flies but Cesaro catches him and delivers a back breaker. Cesaro goes for the pin but Kofi kicks out.  Lots of reverse pinning in here. Kofi hits him with the Trouble in Paradise and scores the win. Congrats Kofi for winning the United States Championship. Josh Matthew is asking him how does it feel and Kofi is says that he ‘brought it back home’.

A recap of Ziggler cashing in his MITB briefcase is shown. I still think it sucks that he did that when Del Rio was injured. I think that makes him look weak as fuck. The time that was wasted on that recap, was time that we could have had an actual match. We learn that Ziggler is going to speak when we get back from commercial. Yes we get it you are the World Heavyweight Champion. Impress us by keeping up with your hair care. Tired of seeing your dark roots. Dude you aren’t all that.  Here comes ADR to interrupt and his left leg is taped up. Del Rio is saying that he wants to invoke his rematch tonight right here and right now. Ziggler is saying no but here comes the ever so shrieking Vickie Guerrero. She says ADR gets it. She calls for a referee to come out.

ADR vs. Dolph Ziggler—before the match could get underway here comes Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. Zeb is saying that Dolph doesn’t deserve to be champion and that Del Rio doesn’t deserve a rematch. After ADR lays Swagger out, here he comes again to assault Del Rio again.  He goes after the already injured leg of Del Rio. I don’t think this match can happen. Go away Swagger, go light up a joint and get arrested again. You lost your chance at the title Swagger, you lost it the day you got arrested. So sit down and shut the fuck up.

Prime Time Players vs. Team Hell No—Titus and DB start it off and DB is delivering kicks and follows it up with a drop kick. He goes for the pin but Titus kicks out. Titus leads DB to his corner where he tags in Darren Young. Darren Young is only in for a short time before tagging in Titus again. Damn Titus is a powerhouse. He tags in Young and drops him onto DB. This is why the PTP work, they know how to work well together without bickering every three seconds. They know how to get along.  In comes Kane and he is taking his anger and aggression out on Darren Young. Young gets a choke slam and then DB gets tagged in. He delivers a flying head butt and gets the win.

Ryback is addressing why he attacked Cena. He says that April 7, 2013 was an awesome night for Cena but a horrible night for him. Cena beat the Rock for the WWE title and Ryback lost to Mark Henry. He said it correctly when he thinks that ‘more people want to see Cena injured’. Ryback is a perfect heel.  He says that Cena was never there to help him when the Shield kept attacking him. Legit question where was Super Cena? Maybe he was off crying and or kissing Vince’s ass. I don’t think Cena will get away with burying Ryback. I think Ryback can and will take the title from Cena.

R-Truth vs. Wade Barrett—R-Truth starts it off with a side headlock but Barrett is determined to knock the crap out of R-Truth. Barrett flings him into the ropes and Truth holds onto the ropes to stop the momentum. Barrett is delivering brutal punches to his back as he has him caught on the ropes. He then follows up with a high knee. He goes for a pin attempt but R-Truth kicks out. Truth drops Barrett and while Barrett is down, Truth goes for his high kick but misses. Truth plants Barrett with a DDT and scores the win. Congrats R-Truth as you are now in the run for the title.

Vickie and Brad Maddox are talking about how Del Rio cannot compete tonight as his injury is worse.  Teddy Long says that he setup the match between Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. Brad tells him that he needs to go tell someone but Teddy says that is Brad’s job not his. How in the fuck does Swagger get another shot? Is he in the ass kissing club? Swagger needs to take his large untalented ass and get the fuck gone.

The Great Khali/Santino vs. Team Rhodes Scholars—Khali is accompanied to the ring by the underutilized Natalya and the ever so talented Hornswoggle. What no Bella Twits to accompany Cody and Damien? Khali and Sandow start it off. Khali throws Sandow into a corner and gets chopped. Here comes their respective tag partners. Santino, no one wants to see your lame comedy attempts in the ring. Take it seriously or get a job in a comedy club. Sandow hits the Elbow of Disdain on Santino. Here comes the serious Santino with a flurry of punches, a head butt and the Cobra, Cody gets knocked out of the ring and Hornswoggle hits him. When he attacks Hornswoggle, he then gets attacked by Khali. While Santino was distracted by the action outside the ring, Sandow rolls him up for the win.

Jerry Lawler is in the ring to talk about Fandangoing where everyone sings his music theme. A clip is shown of everyone dancing and singing the theme. Oh no please don’t teach Lawler how to dance. Fandingalingoh has the microphone and asks the crowd who wants to go Fandangoing with him. No we get a lesson on how to say his name. Fanbitcho? Fandungo? Fanboringuso? Shut the fuck up and wrestle. He says since the crowd cannot pronounce his name that they can all fandango themselves.  No sweetie we want wrestling not dancing lessons.

Matt Striker is interviewing John Cena. Apparently Cena is butthurt over Ryback’s promo. He says that he will go down to the ring to make it easy for Ryback to find him. Seriously Cena shut the fuck up because you don’t deserve to be the champion. You need to take your five moves of doom and go the fuck away. Go on a vacation and take Swagger and Lesnar with you.

Swagger vs. Dolph Ziggler—As usual both men’s entourages are there as well. Ziggler goes to attack Swagger’s leg. Swagger has him backed in the corner until the ref breaks it up. Ziggler bitch slaps Swagger and then runs out of the ring. Once they get in the ring, Ziggler is in control until Swager gains the upper hand. Shit that was a fucking nice elbow from Ziggler. Swagger goes for the Patriot Lock but Ziggler has a firm lock on the ropes. Shit Swagger is in beast mode as he dominates Ziggler. Back from commercial and Swagger is screaming his motto and Ziggler slams him into the ring post. Ziggler rolls him up but Swagger counters with belly to belly suplex. Ziggler hits a beautiful drop kick and plants Swagger with a DDT. He goes for the pin but Swagger kicks out. Ziggler goes to hit a move on Swagger but Swagger catches him and slams Ziggler into the ropes and gets the win. What the fuck? Whose dick is he sucking to stay in the picture? Or is it okay to drink and drive? Del Rio attacks him from the behind and super kicks him off of the stage. Del Rio has him in Cross Arm breaker while he is hanging off the stage. May the Wrestling Gods bless you Del Rio for that brutal attack! Del Rio shoots Ziggler a knowing wink.

Matt Striker was trying to interview Sheamus but here comes Mark Henry to attack him. What did Sheamus take his candy bar or something? So just because he is the World’s Strongest Man, that doesn’t give him free reign to attack people. Get the fuck over yourself Mark Henry.

CM Punk is out to address the crowd. Speak or get the fuck out of the ring. Ain’t nobody got time for this shit, so either talk or leave! He says that he couldn’t enjoy being the champion for 434 days due to always looking over his shoulder at what is next. Half of the crowd is chanting CM Punk while the other half is yelling Undertaker. He hugs Paul Heyman and leaves the ring.  He walks away and hopefully he will take some time off to heal.

Booker T is yelling at Teddy Long for booking the match between Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. Teddy was in the wrong for booking the match.

Kaitlyn vs. Nikki Bella—Oh fuck really? So not in the mood for this travesty of a match. Oh great power from Kaitlyn as she shove the Bella Twat. And here comes Twin Magic but Kaitlyn baseball slids into both of the sluts. Sorry but these two need to stick with making their boyfriends happy and get the fuck out of the WWE. One of the Bellas has a reverse chin lock on Kaitlyn and the champion cannot maintain any sorts of momentum. The divas division needs to be saved can we please utilize Natalya, Tamina, Paige, or Layla? Here comes Kaitlyn with a shoulder tackle. And now we get the Twin Magic and of course they win.

Fuck you JBL! Who the fuck are you to keep taking shots at JR? Are you that mother fucking pathetic that you have to keep jabbing at him. You fucking suck at commentary so why don’t you crawl back to the mother fucking hole and stay there. JR has more talent in his pinky then your dumb illiterate ass will ever have. Better yet dumbass why don’t you retire from the business altogether so we don’t have to hear your stupid little comments ever again. You need to have your ass curb stomped. Better yet you inbred jed go get stuck on a mountain. Goat fucking bitch.

Here comes Super Cena. I hope this douche nozzle gets broken in half.  Fuck you Cena, Ryback will stomp your ass into the ground and not even break into a fucking sweat. So take your smirk and shut the fuck up. Seriously I think I dozed off while Cena was crying. I hope Cena gets knocked the fuck out and then whipped in the head with the damn belt that he covets so much. Cena takes his shirt off, bitch please put your damn shirt on. Nobody wants to see that shit. Ryback walks away and the Shield’s music hits. They make their way down to the crowd. They are circling the ring as Ryback stands on the ramp looking on. The Shield is curb stomping Cena while Ryback watches on. KICK HIM AGAIN. Cena is down on the ground and they have Reigns triple power bomb his donkey ass as Ryback looks on from the ramp. The crowd is chanting one more time.

Match of the Night goes to the Shield for stomping Cena’s ass into the mat. He needs to be taken down a peg or two so he knows that he ain’t shit.

The WTF Moment goes to JBL for continuously mocking JR. Keep talking you goat fucking moron. Karma is a bitch and I hope you get it tenfold.

In closing the show was decent. Could have been better and it could have been worse. For a grade I give it a B.  I did like it when Brock Lesnar attacked 3MB but as for challenging Triple H for another match, please reconsider. Twice was enough for that match.  Make sure you all check out Special episode this week as Mayernation will be cohosting the show and there will be a special guest Eric Tapout from PWS. We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow

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