Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 04-09-13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I discuss the fallout of WrestleMania. We are live from the Izod Center in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  Last night’s PPV was one hell of a WrestleMania. On commentary we have the dumbass JBL, Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler. I can tell already this show is going to suck donkey tits. It’s going to be all about Super Cena who bitches that others never pass the torch, practice what you preach you fucking moron.

And of course Super Idiot Cena is in the ring to start off the show. Way to be a classy dumbfuck with your new shirt. I hope you lose the damn title. You don’t fucking deserve it the only thing you deserve is a beatdown of epic proportions. You ignorant cocksucking mother fucker. I hate Cena as he is a talentless prick. Don’t you ever fucking wooooo again, you cannot lace Ric Flair’s wrestling boots. I hope you choke on Vince McMahon’s dick. Keep smiling you ass kissing donkey faced fucktard. You’re so worthless you make me like Brock Lesnar more than you. Tonight we get a match for the WWE Championship and he doesn’t care who it is. I hope its Brock Lesnar and he destroys you. Here comes Mark Henry to interrupt. I hope that he challenges Super Douche Nozzle Cena for the title and I hope he breaks Cena into a million little fucking pieces. He challenges Mark Henry to the title but Booker T comes out to stop it. We learn that the Rock is entitled to a rematch, The Rock is the number one contender but since he is injured. Mark Henry has to earn his shot. To get said title shot he has to defeat Cena in the middle of the ring tonight. Henry tells Cena that his jokes earned him a spot in the Hall of Pain. Can someone explain to me why Cena deserves to be champion?

Daniel Bryan vs. Big E. Langston—Yes Big E’s physique is impressive as he has bigger boobs than me. Kane has accompanied his tag partner to the ring as did Dolph Ziggler and AJ. Big E is dominating the hell out of Daniel Bryan. DB proves that you shouldn’t count him out as he delivers kicks to Big E. AJ distracts the referee as Ziggler attacks DB from behind. That bitch doesn’t have any business out there so she needs to take her meds and sit her flat ass down. Big E wins.

Josh Matthews interviews Kurt Warner about his new reality show ‘The Moment’. Which debuts this week on the USA network this Thursday.

Miz vs. Wade Barrett—Barrett is entitled to a rematch since he lost to the Miz last night at the preshow. Barrett is taking his anger and aggression out on the Miz. Normally I am a Miz mark but I could give two shits about this match. Sorry boo but you are a better heel than face. The crowd is behind Barrett as they keep chanting ‘lets go Barrett’. To the fucking asswipes on commentary try talking about wrestling and not other fucking sports. A pet turtle could do a better job than you three. This isn’t ESPN but rather the WWE. The fight goes to the outside as the Miz is aggressively defending his IC title. Nice kick to the face from Barrett.  Back from commercial and Barrett goes for the pin attempt. Miz kicks out at 2. Holy shit this match is picking up steam. I’m actually giving a fuck. The Miz drops Barrett and both men are down. Miz is coming back with a high knee and heavy panting. Boo maybe you should work out a little more if you are that winded. Miz on the top rope and comes crashing down. He goes for the pin but Barrett kicks out. He is trying to work on Barrett’s leg so he can go for the Figure Four. Fuck You JBL for taking a potshot at JR. You irrelevant piece of trash, I hope you get punched in the throat repeatedly. Miz has the Figure 4 locked in but Barrett gets to the ropes after several moments. Barrett wins and regains his title again. Sorry Miz but better luck next time.

Brad Maddox and Vickie G. are talking in their office and Sheamus demands a match with the Big Show tonight. Vickie gives him the match. I don’t trust her and Brad Maddox.

Randy Orton is talking to Booker T about getting a match with Big Show. He tells him that Vickie G. has given Sheamus a match with Big Show. Orton manipulates Booker T into giving him a match.

Jack Swagger/Zeb Colter vs. Alberto Del Rio—Is Swagger the next Cena where he gets shoved down our throats or will they get smart and get rid of his ass? Does Colter’s mustache have magical powers? If so that explains why he is always twirling it. Or maybe it winds him up like a toy for kids. Swagger and Del Rio start off the match. Ricardo is ringside. Del Rio is making Swagger his little bitch. Couldn’t happen to a nicer douche lord. Colter is delivering cheap shots when the referee isn’t looking.  Nice botch from Del Rio. Swagger capitalizes by locking in the Patriot Lock. Back from commercial and Swagger delivers a back drop to Del Rio. Del Rio is trying to gain momentum especially with one injured leg, he goes for the cross arm breaker but Swagger counters and locks in the Patriot Lock.  Del Rio has made it to the ropes forcing Swagger to break the hold. Del Rio has the Cross Arm breaker locked in forcing Swagger to tap like the wussy assed bitch he is. Ziggler’s music hits and he is making his way to the ring to cash in.

Dolph Ziggler vs. ADR—Ziggler is assaulting the injured leg of Del Rio and goes for a pin. Del Rio kicks out at the last possible second. Wow Ziggler pussy much? Going after an injured man to get a title shot. This makes you look pathetic you should have done this shit last night.. Del Rio locks in the Cross Arm Breaker but Ziggler counters. He hits the Zig Zag and wins. About fucking time you should have done it last night.

A recap of the Hall of Fame ceremony is shown. It will air tomorrow night on the USA network. Hopefully they will not cut Mick Foley’s induction for the King Douche Lord Donald Trump. Foley, Stratus, Sammartino, Backlund, Booker T have done more for the WWE than Donald Trump has ever done in his entire existence.

The Undertaker’s music hits and the crowd goes apeshit. His entrance last night was fucking amazing. He is on the microphone as the crowd chants his name repeatedly. He talks about how he dedicated the match to the memory of Paul Bearer. The Shield’s music hits and they make their way down to the ring. They surround the ring as they climb up onto the apron and Kane’s pyro hits and he and Daniel Bryan come running down to the ring. Holy fucking catnip this is awesome. The Shield quickly make their exit.

Dolph Ziggler, AJ and Big E are in the back being interviewed by Josh Matthews. He claims that this is his WrestleMania moment.

Zack Ryder/R-Truth/Santino vs. 3MB—Yay a bathroom break match. Sorry but 3MB sucks roadkill ass.  R-Truth takes down Slater before tagging in Santino. Santino gets punched before tagging in Zack Ryder.  Drew McIntyre is owning Zack Ryder’s whiney ass.  I still stand behind my earlier comments that John Morrison wears those shiny pants better than you three.  Santino pulls out the cobra and McIntyre tries to distract him but he hits Slater for the win.

Sheamus and Orton are arguing in the locker room over the match. Dear WWE please turn Orton heel as he is screaming for it. He is better as a heel. Post WM 29 interview with Big Show and he is bitching that they turned their backs on him. Can someone give him his balls back because they are missing?

Sheamus comes out to ask the crowd if they want to see him kick Big Show’s ass. He calls out Vickie G. to come out but here comes the Viper, Randy Orton. He slowly gets into the ring with microphone in hand. He declares that Big Show is his tonight.  He then asks the crowd if they want to see him kick Show’s ass and they go nuts. It’s now in the hands of the WWE universe. Here comes Vickie G. and Booker T. They claim to have come up with a fair way of determining who gets the Big Show. Randy gets to wrestle Sheamus. Winner gets a shot at Big Show.

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus—Sheamus is owning Orton. C’mon Orton listen to the voices and turn heel. Orton is holding his knee like it’s injured. Orton is up and holding his own. Orton needs to turn heel more than Cena needs to learn a new move. Orton has Sheamus in a headlock but Sheamus back drops him. Now Sheamus has him in a reverse chin lock, why in the fuck is the crowd chanting RVD. As much as I love Orton this match seems off. He dropkicks Sheamus as Sheamus flies from the top rope. Back from commercial and Orton is in charge. Look assholes ECW is dead and gone. Shut the fuck up and enjoy the match. Sheamus goes to pin Orton but the Apex Predator kicks out. Sheamus is taking Orton clubbering and Orton needs to pull his head out of his ass and get back into the match. Orton might have heard my shrieking because he is back into the fight.  A DDT from the second rope and come on Orton lets go to the psychotic place. Sheamus counters the RKO with White Noise. Sheamus is calling for the Brogue kick but here comes Big Show to kill everyone. Randy Orton took the worst of it as he was stomped by the Big Show.  The great milky white neutered Sheamus was thrown shoulder first into the ring post. Big Show you aint shit but an overgrown pussy ass bitch that makes Brock Lesnar look talented. Retire you pussy ass crybaby. When he threw that chair I was hoping that it would have bounced back and hit his ass. Here’s another valid question what’s next for Big Show?

Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston—This Fanbitcho gimmick is as lame as Zack Ryder. He needs to cha-cha his way to a new gimmick. Twirl, gone with the wind lame, twirl. Come on Kofi and kick his ass. Before the match even gets halfway decent here comes Jericho to attack Fandungo. Fuck yeah!!!!!!!!!!! Make him your little bitch.  Turnabout is fairplay BAYBAY. You mess with Jericho and you get the horns. Welcome to the big time Fandingalingo. If possible I think I love Jericho even more than ever.

Josh Matthews is interviewing Paul Heyman. Poor Heyman it must suck to know that both of your boys lost their matches last night. Why aren’t you asking Lesnar how Sledgy tastes? We learn that Punk will be on RAW next week.

Team Rhodes Scholars/Bella Twits vs. Tons of Funk/Funkadactyls—Back from commercial and Naomi delivers the Rear View to a Bella Twit. She delivers the Hurricanrana to Cody Rhodes. OMG I love Cameron and Naomi. Here comes Brodus Clay to squash Sandow. Sorry but not really but the Bella Twats needs to fucking go. Cameron and Naomi take it to the clueless bitches while Sweet T and Brodus Clay score the win. Look Nikki and Brie, the WWE doesn’t need you to save the Divas division. We have Cameron, Naomi, Natalya, Tamina, and Kaitlyn to do that. Also we have the upcoming Divas in the NXT. So take your cheap implants and kick rocks.

If Lesnar was such an ass kicker than shouldn’t he be there tonight? Even if it is just to grunt like a giant oaf. Hmmmm maybe little Borkie should quit again.

Mark Henry vs. John Cena—I hope that Mark Henry busts that Howdy Doody looking mother fucker open like a grape. Cena sucks donkey balls in the ring. I respect what he does for the charities but come on asshole if you love the company so much learn some new moves. And by learning them do them correctly. Cena is nothing more than a glorified boy scout that deserves to have his merit badges ripped from him. I HATE CENA. Henry slams him back first into the steel ring post. Cena slams Henry into the steel steps and beats the countout. Cocksucking bitch probably bitched and cried more than a little girl who didn’t get a new Barbie. Henry slams Cena down and here comes Ryback to attack Mark Henry. Ryback takes him down and then follows up with a spinebuster. The crowd is chanting ‘Feed me more’ with him. Ryback is now eying Cena like he is the last piece of chocolate cake. He helps Cena to his feet and I swear it looks like they are about to kiss. Fuck yea he delivers a Meat Hook Clothesline and then delivers the Shellshocked. He holds up the belt and I just noticed the bull emblem is gone from the belt and Cena’s lame logo is on the sides. Fuck Cena!!!!!!!!

In closing this has been the best RAW in a long time. Match of the night goes to Sheamus and Orton. WTF moment goes to the Shield for interrupting the Undertaker. Quit running and show them what you are made of. Seeing Ryback flatten Cena did make me happy but to be brutally honest I wanted to see Cena bleed. However I did like the show despite the bitching in the review. Have a good night and a better tomorrow.

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