Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 04-01-13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner and this is the go home week for all WWE shows. This is the final RAW before WrestleMania 29 and yes my excitement is at an all-time high. Join me as I break down each segment and match for this show. Tonight we are live from Washington D.C. On commentary we have the usually snarky Jerry Lawler and the witty Michael Cole, fuck they put the head idiot JBL on commentary. Every time JBL talks I want to drink bleach or gouge out my eardrums with a dull butter knife.

John Cena’s music hit and I hear a lot of boos for the chump. Maybe they would cheer for your dumbass if you would take the time to learn a new move or two. Hell maybe learn some new promos or better yet fucking disappear. Nobody has time to hear you fucking whine and cry about getting Rock Bottomed last week. Yes asshole we get the fact that you and Dwayne don’t like each other.  It’s shoved down our throats nightly along with the promos. Is Cena jealous that the Rock’s movies do better than his lame ass attempts at acting? For those bitching about the Rock being champion just sit down and shut the fuck up. Seriously Cena needs to shut the fuck up because it’s the same stale shit coming out his mouth. The only thing Cena deserves is a boot up his ass as he is punted out the door. He claims that he is better than the Rock, wow Cena go sit down and shut the fuck up. You aren’t better than anyone if you were some damn great then wouldn’t you be the champion already? Your logic is flawed just like your wrestling abilities.

3MB vs. Orton/Sheamus/Show—Orton and Slater kick off the match. Slater is getting his ass handed to him before Orton tags in Sheamus. Here comes Drew McIntyre and he is showing off an aggressive side. He gets power slammed by Sheamus but comes back with a missile dropkick from the top rope. Here comes Jinder Mahal and they have Sheamus separated from his partners. 3MB would fucking suck at being an actual band. Here comes the Show to dominate Mahal. Jinder gets knocked the fuck out with a huge right hook. Big Show and his team win. The Shield’s music hits as they come down thru the crowd. They stop half way down and congratulate them for their ‘big win’ over 3MB. They are threatening to destroy the band of misfits at WM. The Shield might pull off the win Sunday night.

Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger did a video package while out and about in the nation’s capital. If I wanted to hear a racist diatribe I would either watch Fox news or talk to some members of my family. Jack go fucking smoke some weed and shut the fuck up. You suck at promos and you suck at wrestling.

Matt Striker is interviewing Alberto Del Rio. Why do I feel like I am trapped in history/political class hell? I want wrestling to be my escape from the horrors of the reality that we all are trapped in. We did learn that Zeb Colter has a match against Del Rio tonight.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler—Kane is in his partner’s corner and Big E and AJ have accompanied Dolph to the ring. Every time I see her I just want to punch her lights out. They could use her a lot better than this crap. As much as I bag on Michael Cole at least he is calling the match unlike the other two fucktwits at the commentator’s table. DB is going after Ziggler and I hope Goat Face annihilates him. Back up Big E, you aint in the match and once again Ziggler uses him as a distraction as he hits the Fameasser on DB. Back from commercial and Ziggler is trying to impress us by doing a headstand while doing a wrestling move. Impress us by winning on your own and not having AJ and Big E do the heavy lifting for you. Bryan with a kick to the side of the head and he flies from the top rope and hits the mat as Ziggler rolls out of the way.  Ziggler goes for the  Sleeper hold and DB counters. Ziggler counters by slamming them both down to the ground. FUCKING HELL WHAT A COLLISION BETWEEN THE TWO. AJ is skipping around Kane as Big E takes him down. Big E gets knocked off the top rope and Ziggler wins. As usual Big E takes out Daniel Bryan and Kane comes in to clean house. Big E destroys Kane as well.

Shawn Michaels is here to talk about his feelings on the Triple H and Brock Lesnar feud. I hope that at WM 29 Triple H is victorious as he uses Sledgy to take out that imbred, cowfucking, no necked, magically disappearing eyebrows Mother fucker. I hate Lesnar as much as I hate John Cena and Johnny Ace combined. Why? He does nothing for the company and the fans. He has a shitty personality that matches his wrestling abilities. Michaels is getting ready to reveal his doubts and questions but Triple H’s music hits. He tries to assure Shawn that he knows what he is doing but Shawn doesn’t think so. He points out that Lesnar doesn’t respect anything except for the money.  Shawn is saying that at WM 29 Trips better kick Lesnar’s ass and that he will be in Triple H’s corner on Sunday. Lesnar’s music hits and the fucktarded twit does his little monkey dance at the top of the ramp. C’mon pussy bitch get your ass in the ring or are you scared that you will get busted open again. Just looking at him you can tell the wheel is spinning but the hamsters are dead. Keep bringing his family into Heyman and you will be picking your teeth up off of the floor. Do you really want to go there about wives? Look at Lesnar’s wife bitch was probably the office doorknob. What no BROCK ANGRY? THAT’S RIGHT THE APE CANNOT SPEAK FOR HIMSELF. I forgot they don’t make ginormous flash cards with pictures on them for him to read. Lesnar has no place in the WWE, if he was such an asskicker he would be there every week destroying superstars right and left. Get a clue WWE Universe he doesn’t give a fuck about the tens of fans he has.

Wade Barrett vs. Zack Ryder—Miz is on commentary. Barrett is dominating Ryder but however the main member of the Jobber Squad is trying to show that he is still in the fight. Barrett keep your focus on Ryder and not the Miz. Barrett delivers the Bull Hammer and scores the win. This match could have been a lot better but I was getting distracted by the Miz’s commentary and plus it was Zack Ryder. Nobody got time for watching a Zack Ryder match.

Brad Maddox and Vickie G. are shown talking and Santino comes in to warn them that Vince McMahon is mad at them both. He has them worked up before revealing that it was an April Fool’s joke. Vickie makes a match for Santino.

Santino Marella vs. Mark Henry—If I was Santino I would be powerwalking my ass out of there as Mark Henry makes his way down to the ring. Santino is starting it off with kicks and Henry slams him into the ropes and takes him down with a Meat Hook clothesline. He delivers the World’s Strongest Slam and scores the win. Here comes a pissed off Ryback, Henry tells him that he doesn’t have the right to come down there and threaten him. They have a no contact clause until WrestleMania. Ryback picks up Santino and slams him into Mark Henry which knocks Henry off of the apron. He also throws Santino into Henry and both men collapse onto the ground.

Matt Striker is interviewing CM Punk who is clutching the urn a little too tightly. He says he doesn’t give a damn about being disrespectful he just wants to get into the Undertaker’s head. Kind of creepy that he kissed the urn.

Zeb Colter vs. Alberto Del Rio—Ricardo looks cheerful as he introduces ADR. Zeb Colter looks like an old masculine version of Pippi Longstocking. ADR is telling Ricardo to go back to the locker room but Ricardo says no. C’mon Colter back up what you say. Swagger is stalking Ricardo as Colter steals his crutch. Brave now with a weapon in your hand.  Real Americans fight clean and not dirty. Here comes Swagger and both men are beating him with the crutches. This shit is disgusting they need to go and take JBL’s ignorant ass with them. That ignorant mother fucker needs to choke on his false teeth for a bit. I’m sure someone is missing their Mr. Ed ripoff. Yes that reference was directed at JBL, that mother fucker needs to get stranded on an island somewhere.

Here comes the Rock to respond to what Cena said earlier. We already know that the Rock is going to own Cena’s ass with his verbal skills? My boy just said curb stomp Cena’s ass. I know I said I don’t give two shits about this match but I’m going with the Rock.  Cena is always bitching about passing the torch what about you being an ass to former wrestlers. Maybe you should practice what you preach you fucking useless piece of monkey poo. Anyways I digress as The Rock is telling Cena that he will not beat him at WM 29.

Jericho vs. Cesaro—Both men lock it up in the middle of the ring.  Cesaro has the side headlock on Jericho and he is taking it to Jericho. C’mon Jericho kick his ass. Fucking nasty chops to his chest as Jericho drops Cesaro. Cesaro is showing that he is still in the match as he delivers a nasty headbutt to our beloved Y2J. Here comes Fanbitcho to twirl his way to the ring. He needs to waltz his ass to the back as he doesn’t have any business being down there. Back from commercial and Jericho knocked Cesaro off the apron. Fandungo is scoring the match, hey bitch its wrestling not ‘Dancing with the Stars’. Hey y’all on commentary if you all keep busting on JR, please know this that man knows more about Wrestling than you three fuckers know about anything combined. So either talk respectfully about him or keep your ignorant, petty, jealous mouths shut. Jericho had enough of Fandingalingo and he attacks him and he goes for the Walls of Jericho and Cesaro taps. Jericho wins and here comes Capt Sparklypants to attack him. Dude take your excessively bedazzled pants and cha-cha your ass to the back. Dude by screaming ‘say my name’, you sound like an obsessed amnesiac crazy ring rat.

Are those three fucking idiots that damn jealous of JR that they have to mock him repeatedly or is that Vince’s way of showing his insecurity. I mean it when I say that Jim Ross is voice of RAW and SmackDown. So far no commentator can sell the match the way he does. He has the talent to make you feel like you are there in that arena alongside everyone else.  So Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and JBL until you three can do that then you all need to shut the fuck up. You cannot even compare yourselves to him, Gordon Solie and other great commentators. You three are lackluster and full of shit.

Funkadactyls vs. The Bella Twits—Sweet T and Brodus are accompanying the lovely Cameron and Naomi to the ring. Team Rhodes Scholars are escorting the Bella Twits. Naomi and Twit 1 are in the ring.  Naomi just busted her with the Rear View and that was a fucking beautiful Hurricanrana. Cena should take notes on how it’s done. I’m sorry but did they just say that the Bella Twins bring class to the Divas division? That’s a fucking joke right as they are probably back due to their boyfriends. The only thing those two twits bring is comedy. Cameron and Naomi are beautiful and can wrestle unlike those two ‘bicycles’. Cameron and Naomi were robbed by those two worthless hoes. Sorry but they (Bella Twats) should leave and never come back.

The Undertaker’s music hits and it never fails to give me goosebumps.  A recap is played of CM Punk stealing the urn and his juggling attempts with it last week. He is verbally eviscerating CM Punk. He says the disrespect Punk has shown will cost him the ultimate price. Basically he said the streak might end on Sunday but Punk will not live to talk about it. It’s the return of the druids as the creepy chant music starts and men in robes come out. This is strange and haunting at the same time and its fucking Paul Heyman dressed as the late Paul Bearer. This is going over the fucking line.  One of the druids was Punk and this is fucking bullshit. He uses the urn to hit the Undertaker repeatedly. I have lost all respect for Punk and Paul Heyman.  I hope both of them get their worthless asses kicked at WrestleMania. I want both of them to get wrecked so bad it forces them into retirement. He pours the ashes over Taker. This crossed a fucking line without a care in the world. However I get it, they are doing this to enhance the storyline. Still doesn’t mean I have to like it.

In closing tonight’s show was mediocre and the grade I give it is a C+. Match of the night goes to Cameron and Naomi even though they lost to the doorknobs but hey at least those two have restored my faith in the divas division. The WTF moment goes to Zeb Colter, your old crusty ass does not need to be in the ring having matches. Stay on the sidelines where you belong or hell go back to the trailer park where I’m sure they are missing their head racist asshole. I was impressed with Ryback for retaliating against Mark Henry. Make sure you all check out http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-shark-attack-live.  We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow.

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