Riley’s Corner: Smackdown Review For 3/29/13

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Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I break down each segment and match of SmackDown. One more week until WrestleMania 29 and yes I am super excited. WrestleMania is my version of Christmas, my hopes are up and the night before I cannot sleep because I am excited about all the matches. I even get worked up over the matches I normally wouldn’t give two shits about. They seriously need to hire a new commentator to replace JBL as he sucks cow tits on the commentary. He needs to go get stranded on a mountain somewhere or take lessons on how to call a match. We are live from Hershey, PA.

The Rock is opening up the show with belt in hand. A recap of his debate with John Cena is replayed and once again no fucks are to be given. It’s now story time with the Rock again. Sorry Dwayne, I love you but I don’t want to hear stories, I want wrestling from you. Cool story on how your phrase ‘candyass’ came to be. The more he talks about Cena, the more I hate the idea of their ‘twice in a lifetime’ match. OMG, Johnny Ace’s music hits and out comes the tall, lanky, vacant headed moron. Why in the blue blazes is the fucking fucktard back? Does he not know that he is the second most hated man in the WWE or at least that’s in my opinion? WHY is he here? He ain’t shit but a moronic douche lord that doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. He so dumb that he makes some of my family members look like they belong to MENSA.

I know some of you are wondering why I hate Johnny Ace so much and I will tell you. It’s because of how he treated Jim Ross. No I don’t know the whole story but I am TEAM ROSS. JR knows more about wrestling than Johnny Ace knows about anything period. I cannot stand Clown Shoes Funkhauser, he is a pathetic, moronic, ginormous waste of space. A monkey could do a better job than him. He butchers basic words in the English language, he looks like a reject from Clown School. I hate him because he brings nothing to the WWE table. Every time I see him, I just want to beat the shit out of him and whenever he opens his mouth to speak, I want to punch him in the throat. Every time he says his name and former job title I want to taze him until he stops twitching like the fucking bitch he is. I hope he chokes on the microphone. That mother fucker needs to go back to his mother fucking cave and stay there. He wants to be in the Rock’s corner for WM 29. If possible I think that dumb fuck gets stupider every time he opens his mouth. Is he coming on to the Rock or what? Sounds like he was trying to sexually harass the Rock there for a second. Johnny Ace is as pathetic as John Cena, both are past their prime and need to go. FINALLY THE ROCK HAS ROCK BOTTOMED FUNKHAUSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He got the People’s Elbow too!

Chris Jericho vs. Wade Barrett—The Miz is on commentary. He doesn’t have any business being there so he needs to take his ass to the back. Barrett and Jericho lock it up in the middle of the ring and Barrett takes Jericho down. They trade chops briefly before Jericho drop kicks Barrett. Jericho gets knocked off of the apron by his opponent. Back from commercial and both men are in back in the ring. Jericho is showing that we shouldn’t count him out of the fight yet, he goes for the Lion’s Assault but Barrett moves. Barrett hits the Winds of Change and Jericho kicks out of the pin. Nice Lateral press from Jericho. As much as I love the Miz he seriously needs to shut the fuck up. Barrett gets distracted by the Miz and Jericho wins. Jericho gets on the microphone and calls out Fandango. He once again calls Fandango all sorts of names until he comes out. How many ostriches had to die for that twits outfit? Fandango refuses to get in the ring. He needs to tango his way out of the company as this gimmick sucks donkey balls.

A recap of the Triple H response to the Brock Lesnar stipulations is shown. If Brock Lesnar is such a bad ass mother fucker then how come he isn’t wrestling every week? Sounds like to me he is a cowardly little bitch who knows that his no neck having ass can’t wrestle. Let me save you the trouble Lesnar, when the bell sounds at WrestleMania 29, curl up in a little ball and cry like the fucking bitch you are. QUIT NOW because you suck. I hope that Triple H beats you so bad that you are broken into a million little pieces. I thought you were a piece of shit when you first started the WWE and I still think that. I think that you are a pussy assed bitch who doesn’t understand that you’re the problem. Go back to the farm Brock, you don’t belong here with the men and women of the WWE.

Josh Matthews is interviewing Paul Heyman. I hope Triple H beats them both with Sledgy. Everything he is saying is fucking bullshit.

Teddy Long and Booker T are out to introduce the Bench Press challenge between Mark Henry and Ryback. Just when I thought SmackDown couldn’t get any worse, this shit has to happen. Who the fuck cares how much they can press? This is supposed to be wrestling not the ‘whatever you can do I can do better’ show. Booker T has to step in between the men to keep them from fighting. The only way I can get excited about this if the weights drop on someone’s throat. Mark Henry does 53 reps, golf clap. Now it’s Ryback’s turn. He ties with Henry and Henry tries to kill him with the equipment. My god that was a bitch move Mark Henry. Let someone do that shit to me and they will be eating their nuts thru a straw.

Yay a John Cena/Rock promo. As if we could forget that they have a match at WrestleMania. I do want The Rock to win because I hate Cena. He cannot wrestle, cannot do commentary nor can the incompetent moron cut a decent promo. He needs to retire.

Dolph Ziggler/AJ Lee vs. Daniel Bryan/Kaitlyn—I am so over Ziggler and AJ. This feud between Kaitlyn and AJ is stupid and overdone. Neither one of them can wrestle worth a damn. Sorry but it had to be said. Ziggler and Daniel Bryan start off the match and DB seems to be taking the lead. Here comes Kaitlyn with the tag. Kaitlyn is taller and thicker than AJ but yet the deranged One is owning the Divas champ’s ass. Here come the men to fight. Kane knocks out Big E and Dolph tags in AJ. She decides to take on DB as she knows that Kaitlyn will own her ass. Hire divas based on fucking talent and not looks. Kaitlyn spears her ass and gets the win. Worst match ever.

The Shield releases another video and oh yes this makes my night. Umm Dean, I love you and all but the Flock of Seagulls called and they want their hairstyle back. They are going after Orton, Sheamus and Big Show. Can we just a have a wrestling show with the Shield?

The Great Khali vs. Jack Swagger—I demand drug testing for all the members of the WWE Creative team. Khali is accompanied to the ring by Hornswoggle and the poorly used Natalya. This is the worst match ever in the history of the WWE. Watching these two wrestle one another makes me want to scrub my brain with bleach. Swagger has the Patriot Lock locked in on Khali outside the ring and both men are counted out. Hornswoggle tries to save Khali but gets thrown into the guard rail. Here comes Ricardo Rodriguez to taunt Jack Swagger. Here comes ADR from behind to attack Swagger’s dumb, high on pot ass. Colter gets hit with Ricardo’s crutch as he tries to interfere. That’s right Swagger run like the cowardly little princess you are.

Big Show, Sheamus and Orton are interviewed by Rene Young. A recap of what happened between them and the Shield is played from Monday night. Orton says they have a common enemy and they have put their differences aside. Why is the Big Show playing with his nipples? Orton is the voice of reason again. I hope that he turns heel soon.

Orton/Sheamus/Big Show vs. Team Rhodes Scholars/Antonio Cesaro—Cesaro decided to yodel before the match and holy shit it sounded like a bunch of cats in heat. Orton and Cesaro start off this match and Cesaro gets an elbow to the throat. Please end his career as a yodeler. Please. Here comes Sheamus to show off his aggressive side. Fucking hell Sheamus why don’t you take his head off the next time you do the clothesline? Here comes Cody Rhodes to face the Big Show and Show is going to kill him with those chops. Before the commercial break he tags in Orton. Back from commercial and Sheamus tags in Orton and he is taking it to Sandow. Get out of their corner Randy. Rhodes is taking it to his former Legacy partner. Here comes Cesaro to yodel Orton to death. Sheamus was going for one of his signature moves on Rhodes but Sandow and Cesaro come running in like two crazy bitches. Orton and Show clear them out of the ring and Sheamus gets the win. The Shield’s music hits and the trio decides to take the fight to them. Orton, Sheamus and Big Show are victorious over the Shield.

In closing this was the worst SmackDown ever. The highlights of the show were Johnny Ace getting Rock Bottomed and the Shield. There wasn’t a match of the night and the WTF moment goes to Fan-take-your-ass-home-go either fight or shut the fuck up. Enough said on that shit. Make sure you all check out http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-shark-attack-live. We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Have a good night and a better tomorrow.

 

 

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About John Mayer

31 year old wrestling fan and writer
This entry was posted in Riley Ross, Riley's Corner, WWE and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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