Riley’s Corner: WWE Raw Review for 03-18-13

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Riley’s Corner

With Riley Ross

Welcome back to Riley’s Corner where I break down each segment and match of RAW. We are almost to the final stretch before WrestleMania 29. Tonight we hear Triple H’s response to Brock Lesnar’s challenge and maybe see the consequences of Punk’s despicable actions last week. Live from Pittsburgh, PA with Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole on commentary.

Super Cena opens the show. May I change the channel now? Here it comes the same old shit spewing out of his mouth as usual. Get a new catchphrase you prick. Seriously if that’s all you can say is that ‘your times is now’, you need new material. Here comes the Prime Time players to save us from Super Boring Cena. Titus said it correctly when ‘no one wants to see Cena at WM. He tells Darren Young to get in the ring with him and he will prepare Young for a WM match.

Darren Young vs. John ‘Lame’ Cena—Cena goes to lock in the STF but ‘Pancake’ Patterson pulls Young out of the ring. Back from commercial and you guessed it Cena is dominating Young. Cena wins. Of course he would because they want everyone to know that he is a bad ass. However we all know he ain’t shit.

A recap of the match between Mark Henry and Ryback is shown. We learn that Ryback has a match with David Otunga next.

David Otunga vs. Ryback—Ryback is going to kill Otunga. The chops sound brutal and extremely painful. Otunga tries to get some offense in but that just drew out his punishment at the hands of the angry Ryback. Otunga gets ShellShocked and Ryback wins. He addresses Mark Henry and say that they will cross again. Cross what? Paths? Swords? Mark Henry comes out but Vickie G. and Teddy Long stop him. She takes Ryback out of the 6 man tag match and gives him his own match with Mark Henry. Otunga gets slammed again by Ryback.

Fandango vs. Great Khali—Oh FAWNDONGGO is going to wrestle. Bout fucking time.  Least he made it to the ring this time. Natalya was going to say his name but she told Khali to get him. FAWNDONGGO ran like a coward. That wasted time could have been used to build up matches for WM or give another wrestler a deserving spot. PULL YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES.

R-Truth vs. Damien Sandow—R-Truth’s little poem to Sandow was epic. Sandow is using his aggression to his advantage to take down R-Truth. Nice Russian leg sidesweep from Sandow. He gets a two count from his near pinfall. Nice bitch slap from Truth to Sandow. After getting his ass handed to him Sandow walks away. That’s a bitch move. Makes you look weak and pathetic. R-Truth wins via countout.

The Bella Twins are all over Cody Rhodes as Kaitlyn comes up to him. She tells Cody that they cannot hang out later. She tells the twits that they can have Cody’s mustache and that he can have theirs. All together now let us say lame. Whomever is writing this shit needs to be slapped with a bucket of common sense. Also bringing back those two was a ginormous mistake as they cannot wrestle.

The Undertaker’s music hits and he slowly walks to the ring. It never fails that when his music hits, I get chills. He says that he will hurt Punk and hurt him bad. He says that he will give Punk a chance to save his own soul by giving back the urn. Punk is shown on the titantron by mocking Paul Bearer.  This is bullshit and blatant disrespect from the WWE. Especially with Punk juggling the urn. He does drop the urn and goes Oh Shit which was kind of funny.

Team Hell No vs. Epico/Primo—Kane is going to use his anger to destroy someone. He tags in Daniel Bryan and he is kicking the shit out of Primo. Sorry but not really this match is pointless as fuck. Couldn’t they have given Kane and DB actual competition? Primo and Epico suck as a tag team. Rosa needs to sit down and shut the fuck up. Here comes AJ dressed in a red and black outfit to skip around the ring. This nearly cost Kane the match. That little trollop needs to get her ass beat. Team Hell No wins.

Chris Jericho is being interviewed by Josh Matthews. He is talking about his triple threat match with the Miz and Wade Barrett for the IC title. Fandango interrupts and Jericho is hilarious as he gives him new nicknames. I love Jericho.

Cody Rhodes vs. Alberto Del Rio—Del Rio is owning Rhode’s ass as he takes control. Rhodes has gained momentum as starts to get into the fight. Del Rio delivers a kick to the shoulder of his opponent. Shit Rhodes moved out of the way and Del Rio went shoulder first into the ring post. That made my own shoulder hurt. Del Rio tosses Rhodes out of the ring and onto his ass. During the commercial break Rhodes went after the injured knee of Del Rio. Shit that was a nasty bump that Rhodes took. Although I suspect that his mustache took the brunt of it. Fuck yeah Del Rio is back in the fight. HOLY SWEET CATNIP that kick to the face sounded sick. Rhodes is tied up in the ropes and Del Rio is delivering shots to his kidneys. Del Rio has the Cross Arm Breaker locked in and Rhodes tapped out. Here comes Thwagger to attack from behind. Rodriguez tries to defend his friend but Swagger hit him. Swagger is down and Del Rio turns his attention to Colter. Dammit Swagger hit Del Rio from behind.  Why is Swagger even out there? Shouldn’t his ass be in jail or better yet suspended? Ricardo didn’t deserve that brutal Patriot Lock. Although I felt bad for Ricardo, I would like to point out that I passed a kidney stone and didn’t scream like that.

The newest inductee in the WWE Hall of Fame is introduced and it is Booker T. He truly deserves this. Congratulations to you for this accomplishment.

Randy Orton/Sheamus vs. 3MB—I love Orton but he does better on his own. He comes into the match after Sheamus has dropped Drew McIntyre. He tags in Sheamus who takes Drew clubbering.  He makes his way into the ring with a weak as hell Battering Ram. Dude one of inbred jed relatives could have delivered that move better. Of course while the ref isn’t looking Jinder Mahal hits Sheamus.  Orton gets the tag and comes in with a power slam to Slater. He does a DDT from the second rope and Sheamus Brogue Kicks to McIntyre and Mahal. Orton hits the RKO out of nowhere for the win. OH MY here comes the Shield to deliver their own brand of justice. Orton is begging them to get into the ring and here comes the Big Show to assist Orton and Sheamus. I guess we all know who their third partner will be at WM 29. The Shield retreats and Big Show points to the WM 29 sign as Orton and Sheamus look on in contemplation.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Kofi Kingston—Once again Dolph is accompanied by his security guards, AJ Lee and Big E. Langston. I missed what happened but Kofi seems to be injured. There are lots of action in this match and the queen of Psychos had to interfere and Kofi got hurt by Big E.  Dolph wins again. This don’t mean shit because he cannot win on his own. That little bitch better get banned from ringside at WM. Kane and Daniel Bryan challenge them to a match. AJ says they accept only if the belts are on the line at WM 29.

Once again another John Cena/Rock recap. To blame the Rock for your divorce is a whole shitload of stupid and pathetic. Face it Cena your time is up actually it’s been up for a while so pack your little bag and go. Take time off and learn some new moves or make another crappy movie, just go away for a while.

Miz vs. Jericho vs. Wade Barrett—This is for the IC title. To be honest, I am torn about who I want to win. Part of me says the Miz but Jericho would be AWESOME as IC champion again. The champ Wade goes after Jericho first before turning his attention to the Miz. Jericho throws Barrett out before the Miz tries to roll him up for the win. Jericho kicks out and all three men are outside the ring fighting.  Miz and Barrett are going at it and Miz kicks Jericho in the head. This distraction cost him as Barrett gained the momentum of the fight. Here comes Jericho and all three men are super super plexed off the ropes. Back from commercial and the Miz is laying on the floor outside the ring. Jericho goes for a pin but Barrett kicks out at 2. Miz knocks Jericho off the ropes and its now between Miz and Barrett. Miz had the Figure 4 locked in but Jericho hit him. Jericho had the Walls of Jericho locked in but the Miz interfered. Wade Barrett goes for the pin but gets pulled out of the ring and sent flying into the barricade. Miz plants Jericho with the DDT and both men are down. Now both are up and Jericho kicks Barrett off of the ropes. Miz hit Jericho with the SCF and goes for the pin but Barrett sneaks in and rolls the Miz up. Barrett wins and retains his title.

The contract signing for the Brock Lesnar and Triple H match is up next. If there are any wrestling gods than this will be the last match ever for Brock Lesnar. He SUCKS!! For all you bitching about the Rock being part time well what about Mr. Lesnar? You damn sure don’t see him every week. Either shut up about the Rock or bitch about both. Lesnar needs to take his snaggleteeth and get gone. If he needs help finding the exit I would be glad to help him. I hope that Triple H busts him open again. Here comes Paul Heyman with security. Where’s Borkie Poo? Is he hiding from Triple H because he got busted open? How in the fuck can you call Lesnar fearless when he constantly screams about his belly? He is more or a cowardly bitch than a chick in a slasher flick. If you think those security guards can stop Triple H you are fucking stupid. Lesnar is a yellow teethed, lily livered chicken shit. If Lesnar is enjoying himself so much why isn’t the pussy ass bitch there? That screams of being a coward. Quit pussyfooting around Heyman and act like you got a set of balls that your client obviously lacks. The stipulations are the winner of the match gets Stephanie, Heyman is getting smashed into the table. You mother fucker you had to go there about Stephanie. Then let’s talk about Brock’s wife Sable who probably has STDs named after her. You don’t make it personal. Triple H has busted open Heyman and is making him into a little bitch. Now out comes Lesnar slamming a chair around. I would die from laughing if he busted himself open. Trips has the Sledgehammer with him. I’ve missed you Sledgy. Get in the ring you little bitch. WE learn it’s a No Holds Barred Match, and Triple H’s career is on the line.

In closing tonights episode of RAW was mediocre. The WTF moment goes to Fandingaling. The match of the night goes to the Miz/Jericho and Wade Barrett. As for the stipulations for the Triple H and Brock Lesnar match, Lesnar you just fucked your own self. Triple H will destroy you and your lady parts without breaking into a sweat. Make sure you all check out http://www.blogtalkradio.com/the-shark-attack-live.  We’ll be airing Tuesday at 10pm ET Call in at (347) 945-6363. Also on March 19 there will be the interview with Mike Bennett.  Have a good night and a better tomorrow.

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