John Mayer: I Like It RAW For 4/23/12

Welcome to another edition of I Like It RAW. We are just 6 days away from Extreme Rules and the talk around the water cooler is Brock Lesnar vs John Cena in what will basically be a street fight. Tonight we have a 3 hour RAW with the two signing there contract for there match this Sunday. With a 3 hour RAW you can expect anything to happen. Will there be any more debuts? Will Lord Tensai continue his dominance? There is only 1 way to find out.

 

We start off RAW with Teddy Long in the ring to introduce both John Cena and Brock Lesnar. Only problem is Brock has not gotten to the building yet. John Laurinaitis comes out and tells Teddy to tell Cena to leave the ring. Out of nowhere out comes Edge to a monster pop. He lets us know that in acouple days he is not going to be under contract but he came out to talk to Cena. Edge tells Cena that he wants to talk to the John Cena that was his greatest rival ever. Edge tells Cena to wake up otherwise it will be a slap in the face of Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, and himself. Edge ends by saying hes not asking Cena to win he is telling him to. What a surprise to start RAW.

 

Out go the lights and here comes Chris Jericho with his Lite Bright jacket. His opponent is Kofi Kingston. I hope this is a good match and not a 2 minute suck fest.

 

MATCH 1: CHRIS JERICHO VS KOFI KINGSTON

 

I remember when Kofi defeated Jericho for the Intercontinental Title back at Night Of Champions in 2008. Jericho was dominating the beginning of the match until he missed a splash in the corner which gave Kofi the advantage. But back from the break Jericho is back in control. Kofi then takes control briefly but the veteran Jericho takes control right back. Kofi nails the SOS for a 2 count then hits a CrossBody to Jericho’s back followed by the Boom Drop. Kofi goes to the top for another CrossBody but Jericho catches him with a CodeBreaker followed by the LionTamer for the tapout victory.

 

WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO

RATING: ***

 

After the match Jericho gets on the mic and says Punk knows how to be Extreme as his dad was an Extreme alcoholic. His sister was an Extreme drug abuser and so on. Jericho says he bought Punk a gift that he will to him later tonight.

 

We get a flashback to Brock Lesnar’s first match in the WWE which was at Backlash in 2002 against Jeff Hardy. He won that match after three powerbombs knocked Hardy out.

 

Back from commercial and Johnny is on the phone when Eve comes in. John says he is looking for an executive administrator Eve accepts.

 

Backstage Josh Matthews is with CM Punk. We find out the gift Jericho got Punk was a Liquor Basket. He in turn gives the basket to Josh with the exception of 1 bottle.

 

R-Truth comes out with Little Jimmy to face Lord Tensai. Tensai is coming off that big win from last week. But this week it is not Extreme Rules.

 

MATCH 2: LORD TENSAI VS R-TRUTH

 

Tensai was completely dominant in this match. Before his hit his ChokeBomb he screamed Ichiban which leads me to believe he is going to have some Japanese Hibachi after the show. Tensai wins with the claw.

 

WINNER: LORD TENSAI

RATING: I WANT HIBACHI

 

Hour 2 starts with Kane coming out to the ring. I am still trying to figure out why he wears the mask again since we all know how ugly he is. Kane says Randy is not a man not a viper but a scared little boy crying out for his daddy in the middle of the night. Up comes Orton on the Tron and says you don’t mess with his family so he went and messed with Kane’s father Paul Bearer. However Kane says his true father is the Devil himself and he will not save Bearer. Orton then comes out and assaults Kane with the same pipe Kane used on Orton. Kane leaves through the crowd and Orton poses in the ring.

 

Back from break and Alex Riley tells Jericho he saw Punk drinking the bottle from the gift basket he left behind. They go to Punk’s locker room to see what looks like Punk drinking but what he is drinking I don’t know.

 

Just announced The Big Show will defend his Intercontinental Title against Cody Rhodes. Rhodes comes out for a tag team match with his partner Alberto Del Rio to take on Show and The Great Khali.

 

MATCH 3: CODY RHODES & ALBERTO DEL RIO VS THE BIG SHOW AND THE GREAT KHALI

 

Khali and Cody start the match and Khali is going after Cody’s leg as revenge from Smackdown. Cody tags Del Rio in and Khali chops him out of the ring. Back from break and Khali tags in Big Show but Cody goes after Show’s leg. Now the heels are in control and working on Show’s leg. Cody counters a Chokeslam attempt with a chopblock and locks on the Figure Four. Show breaks it with a big chop. Cody goes to tag Del Rio but Del Rio leaves and Cody is all by himself. Big Show lands a chokeslam on Rhodes for the win.

 

WINNERS: THE GREAT KHALI & THE BIG SHOW

RATING: **

 

Before the Extreme Rules pay per view on the WWE’s YouTube channel Santino Marella will defend the United States Title against The Miz. I see Miz winning and getting back on the road to the main event.

 

Back from break and Chris Jericho is in the GM’s office stating his case that Punk should be stripped of the WWE Title due to his “drinking” and tells Laurinaitis to have Punk take a field sobriety test to which he agrees and he tells Teddy Long to give punk the news.

 

Brock Lesnar is in the building. When Josh Matthews tries to interview him Brock threw him down. I guess Brock didn’t like Josh’s questions. Back from the break and they are strapping John to a stretcher. I’m sorry but Brock did not throw him down that hard.

 

We are going to have a Diva’s Title match with Beth Phoenix taking on Nikki Bella. Nikki owns a victory over Beth on Smackdown 3 weeks ago. If Beth holds the title 8 more days she will pass Maryse for the longest reign in WWE history. Before the match we get Eve saying that this match will now be a Lumberjill match

 

MATCH 4:NIKKI BELLA VS BETH PHOENIX(c) FOR THE DIVA’S TITLE

 

I forgot half these Divas even worked for the WWE. Beth uses her power for the advantage. Beth throws Nikki out of the ring and it looks like Beth hurts her ankle. Bree starts a fight with the champ which allows the other Divas to gang up on each other. Beth looks really hurt and Nikki just rolls her up for the 3 count. After the match Beth is in tears as I believe she is really hurt.

 

WINNER: NIKKI BELLA NEW DIVAS CHAMPION

RATING:* WOULD BE HIGHER IF BETH DIDN’T GET HURT

 

Backstage Teddy Long tells CM Punk that he will be taking a sobriety test in the ring next and Punk just loses it. This angle is getting STUPID I am sorry.

 

Teddy Long is now in the ring with 2 police officers calling Punk out to the ring. But before that Jericho comes out saying he wants to be out there when Punk gets stripped of the WWE Title. Punk comes out looking a little tipsy. But in my opinion Punk is 100 percent playing drunk. Punk has said the word ridiculous about 10 times before the officer asks him to recite his alphabet backwards. Needless to say Punk fails. Next is the walking the line test. Punk once again struggles and it is looking more like Punk is going to get stripped. Jericho wants Punk stripped and Teddy calls for the belt. Punk hands Teddy the belt and Jericho wants it but Punk asks for 1 more chance. Punk starts to recite the alphabet backwards and does the moonwalk across the line then attacks Jericho proving he is sober. Punk beats Jericho’s ass up the ramp as Teddy hands him back the WWE Title.

 

Another Brock Lesnar flashback to 2002 when he defeated Hulk Hogan on his way to the WWE Title.

 

Up next we have World Heavyweight Champion Sheamus taking on Mark Henry

 

MATCH 4: SHEAMUS VS MARK HENRY

 

There is no referee in the ring to start the match. Daniel Bryan is announced as the special referee so basically that means Sheamus will not win this match. Sheamus is not allowed to hit any referee otherwise he is fired and stripped of the title. Bryan provokes Sheamus but he does not bite. However he runs into a Mark Henry clothesline and a fast 3 count.

 

WINNER: MARK HENRY

RATING: YES YES YES

 

After the match Bryan takes the ref shirt off which leads Sheamus to go after him. Sheamus hits the Brogue Kick on Henry but Bryan is able to lock the YES Lock in.

 

Brodus Clay & Hornswoggle will take on Jack Swagger & Dolph Ziggler in a match that is being sponsored by the Doritos Locos Taco. As if the WWE didn’t have enough sponsors as it is.

 

In the back Mat t Striker interviews Sheamus and he says that Bryan is nothing but a coward/

 

MATCH 5 PRIMO & EPICO VS ZACK RYDER & SANTINO MARELLA

 

It’s nice to see the Tag Champs get a match on RAW. Ryder hits the Broski Boot on Epico but Primo pulls out Epico before the Rough Ryder. Ryder gets the tag to Santino and he goes for the Cobra but Primo dropkicks him but Santino rolls right through and hits the Cobra for the win.

 

WINNERS: SANTINO MARELLA &ZACK RYDER

RATING: * ½

 

Backstage Kane goes and gets Paul Bearer out of the freezer just to put him back in the freezer. Then we see Primo & Epico fighting when Abraham Washington comes over and hands them a business card.

 

MATCH 6: BRODUS CLAY & HORNSWOGGLE VS DOLPH ZIGGLER & JACK SWAGGER

 

Clay and Hornswoggle have matching outfits. What is this world coming to. Vicki comes out and makes me deaf with her saying Excuse Me so much. Dolph challenges Hornswoggle and gets kicked for doing so. But then in comes Brodus to clean house which brings in Vicki to slap Brodus causing the DQ. Vicki tries sucking up to Brodus but gets bitten in the ass by Hornswoggle.

 

WINNERS: BRODUS CLAY & HORNSWOGGLE

RATING: WASTE OF A MAIN EVENT

 

The last Lesnar flashback. This time we go back to Wrestlemania 19 when Brock defeated Kurt Angle to win the WWE Title. What they failed to show is Brock damn near breaking his neck doing a Shooting Star Press.

 

Time to sign the contract. Here comes Laurinaitis out to introduce both Lesnar and Cena. Lesnar comes out but Cena does not. Lesnar gets on the mic and calls Cena scared and tells Laurinaitis they need to talk about some changes. Lesnar wants everything to go through him. He wants Vince McMahon’s private jet to and from the venue. He says he does not like people and will show up on RAW when he wants to and how he wants to. Then of course he wants more money and says until the demands are met he will not wrestle this Sunday. His final demand is he wants the show to be re-named Monday Night RAW Starring Brock Lesnar. Laurinaitis the ass kisser that he is agrees to the terms and Lesnar signs the contract. Cena’s music hits and he comes out with his old Thuganomics chain around his neck. He then proceeds to wrap the chain around his fist yet he does not sign the contract. Lesnar tells him to sign the contract and tells him that he is scared. Cena signs the contract and is ready 2 fight but Lesnar leaves the ring to end the show.

 

This weeks RAW gets a 5 out of 10. 3 hour RAW’s are not a good idea as they do not do good in the ratings. And this week was no exception. Check out mine & Billy James’s predictions in the Extreme Rules podcast this weekend along with the Wrestling Debate. See you all next week.

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About John Mayer

31 year old wrestling fan and writer
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